


Why are you my remedy?

by Skye_Phan22



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Torture, Poor Loki (Marvel), Poor Tony Stark, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-03-24 07:15:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 31,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13806171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skye_Phan22/pseuds/Skye_Phan22
Summary: This is a story about two psychopaths who struggle with themselves and each other on the road back to recovery.“What could possibly go wrong with having an unconscious, post-traumatic psychopath under the same roof with an equally post-traumatic and alcoholic psychopath?”My apology to any Pepper/Tony shipper. That ship has sunk.





	1. Even the sun sets in paradise.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of these wonderful characters. This is merely a fangirl dream gone wild. Thank you so much for reading. Enjoy!

It was a fine day, really. The sun was shining, birds were chirping, people were already halfway through with getting over the destruction of New York, which happened 5 years ago. Tony’s life was also good in general. Pepper was back, they were engaged and the wedding was only a few months away. Of course there were still protesters and rebels - over-grieved family members and friends of those who had been lost in the New York Invasion. Some even claimed that the Invasion was part of the government’s scheme in reducing the world population. You know, the usual madness, nothing that was worth Ironman’s concern. 

Ever since the so-called “Civil War” event, the Avengers had split into two. He moved back to the Tower with Vision and Rhodes. The new facility was for Steve and his team. Contrary to popular belief, he was not a heartless, egoistic bastard who only wanted to win. They were his friends, and that did not change because they disagreed on an accord. The only Avengers who stayed neutral through all of this were Thor and Bruce, mainly because those two had disappeared after Ultron. He missed Bruce, well, definitely not as much as Nat did. But hey, they were bros, awesome science bros. Banner was probably the only one who could keep up with his thinking. And Thor, how could Tony forget him. Loud and brave and charming, a typical Disney prince. It was fun having him at parties. The Asgardian ale trick was just super classic. Then his thoughts wandered to Thor’s adopted brother and he had to admit that he had so many things in common with that guy. Apart from the madness and the genocidal tendency, Loki was actually smart. He came from the same world with Thor, same education, same tutors and same access to knowledge. And one could build a freaking portal that connected to another space and led a whole army of alien monsters, while one couldn’t figure out how to use a toaster. Besides, there was still something that kinda bugged Tony when he looked through the camera footage of the Invasion. Loki’s eyes had been blue, the same kind of blue that Clint had when he was under control of the scepter, when he threw Tony off his own fucking tower. Then after the Hulk’s warm greetings, which resulted in a big ass hole in Tony’s tower, Loki’s eyes were a mix of blue and green. And when Thor escorted his brother back to the Viking Space-land, Loki’s eyes were the same colour as the forest. Tony had to convince himself that the eye changing color thing was because of different lighting. Still, that was 5 years ago. Bag of cats was probably sleeping behind bars in the prison of Agard … Assgard? … whatever they call that Viking Space-land. And Tony would never have to see him again. 

It was a fine day, or so it was supposed to be. And all it took was just one text for everything to turn sour. He was sitting by the bar, sipping on his scotch when his phone buzzed. It was Pepper and all it said was “Tony, I’m not feeling well.”. Immediately he flew out of the bar and got the suit ready. As he was flying at top speed to get to Pepper’s hotel in Istanbul, a vacation that she had insisted on going alone, thousand thoughts were running through his mind. That was Pepper who texted him. The Pepper who ran his company, the Pepper who never bothered him unless it was truly urgent, just texted him and told him that she wasn’t feeling alright. Something must have been very wrong. Finally, after what he felt like an eternity, Tony reached the hotel, and immediately his heart skipped a beat. There were police cars, ambulances, all of the guests were out on the streets. And there was a huge hole on the floor that Pepper was supposed to stay in. Tony scanned the crowd outside the hotel to locate Pepper, maybe she made it out in time. When FRIDAY confirmed negative, he flew right at the damaged floor, praying that she would be alright. Everything was burned, melted. The leather sofa was ruined beyond repair. The ivory wall was blackened and Pepper was nowhere to be found. He checked the bathroom, the closet, anything big enough for her to stay in and hide during the explosion. His head ran through all of the possible reasons. Maybe one of his enemies decided to terrorize Pepper as vengeance. But who? The Ten Rings? He hadn’t heard from them for so long. Killian was finished off by Pepper herself. There was no chance of him being alive and wreaking havoc like this. Or Ultron? No, Ultron was gone, Vision made sure of that. His thoughts wandered to Steve and immediately he shut that down. Steve may have been on the other side of the battle front, but he was a man of dignity and manners. He would never harm Pepper just to get to Tony. He started to think that maybe the problem didn’t come from his enemies. “Maybe some electronic devices were faulty and caught fire. Maybe,...” His thoughts stopped abruptly when he saw Pepper’s engagement ring embedded on the wall. Slowly Tony approached it, and took the ring out. The gold ring band was melted, only the diamond was intact. 

“If the ring was melted, she must have stood very close to the heat source … ” - he mumbled silently, trying to make sense of all of this when suddenly…

“No, no, no, NO, it can’t be. IT CAN’T FUCKING BE” - Tony shouted out loud his thoughts, he raised the ring and inspected it carefully one more time then looked around the room. No sign of any explosive device, not even a piece ... Tony’s knees suddenly buckled. His eyes fell to the floor. This ... he had seen this before. Killian, the Extremis, Pepper was injected with that thing ... No, he had made sure that the Extremis was neutralized, there was no way it could explode. 

The police poured in, and they immediately surrounded Ironman. “What was your inspection, sir?”, “What have you found Mr. Stark?”, “Is Miss Potts alright?”... Tony just wanted to punch those guys hard. There was no Miss Potts, not anymore. Unable to answer any of that, Tony headed to the balcony and took off, not knowing what his destination was.

“My condolences, boss” - FRIDAY’s perfect Irish accent broke the silence.

“Yeah...” - Tony absentmindedly answered. Pepper. His beautiful, smart and stunning Pepper. The Pepper who had stayed with him through thicks and thins. The Pepper who woke up every night just to hold him and shoo the nightmares away. The Pepper that had loved him with all of her heart and expected nothing in return. Now she was gone. Forever. Suddenly he felt so suffocated. He just wanted to go away but he didn’t know where. He couldn’t return to the tower, no, Stark Tower was Pepper’s child, the logo was her design, every floor, every room was the result of her sleepless nights. She laid the first brick that soon became the most famous tower of all New York. It was also Virginia Potts who rebuilt the Stark Tower after the Invasion. She was his everything and now everything was gone. Tony felt wetness on his cheeks. Suddenly the suit became too heavy, he just wanted to get out. 

“Hey FRIDAY, any suggestions?”

“The nearest safe house is 180 miles away, sir. However, your Malibu house is only 20 miles from here” - answered FRIDAY - “But may I add sir, that place is still under repair”.

“That would do” - Tony replied tiredly, the words came out no louder than a whisper.

With FRIDAY’s help, the suit carried Ironman back to his former home. Tony wanted to say thank you to FRIDAY, but the words just couldn’t roll out of his tongue. All of his body was numb, how were you supposed to take the news of your loved one’s passing. His thoughts wandered back to the day after he received the news of his parents’ death. If Tony recalled correctly, that day marked the beginning of his journey down the alcoholic road. Of course, he did drink before, just not as much and not as often. He didn’t remember how he got out of the suit and walked to the edge of the cliff that was once his balcony. Maybe he should send a thank you note to Killian – Dear Killian, thank you for destroying my Malibu home and injecting that piece of shit into Pepper’s body, now she is gone. Sincerely, fuck you. “I have her as my trophy” - Killian’s words repeated all over and over again in Tony’s head. Tony curled his lips upward into a bitter smile, that bastard meant it all along. Just why Pepper? Why her? Everything that Killian had wanted was revenge, on him. Pepper was merely a leverage, a trap to lure him in. Pepper was innocent. She should have been safe. Tony’s fists tightened and his whole frame shook uncontrollably. “You are in a relationship with me. Nothing will ever be okay.”. He had said it as an insurance, that no matter what happened, he could save her, he could catch her wherever she fell. Warm tears slowly trickled down and watered the moist ground below. Setting sun rays painted the ocean yellow and red as it descended into the water. Yellow and red. The colors of Ironman. He had thought that being a superhero would enable him to do good, to protect his loved ones better. He was wrong, and too delusional to realise that the only one who had been safe was himself. If only he had been just Tony Stark, Happy wouldn’t have been hospitalized. If he had given up the suits sooner, Rhodes wouldn’t have become War Machine, and then paralyzed due to spine injuries in the Civil War. Mayhaps, Pepper would still be alive as well. Not blown up to pieces all alone half the world away from him… So many things ran through his mind that he lost track of time. All he remembered was the starless sky above, the sky that he and Pepper used to gaze upon together. He stayed there all night, with nothing on his mind other than happy thoughts and memories.

When the first sunlight shone upon his face, Tony woke up and headed back to the Tower. Everyone was waiting for him, Fury, Vision, Rhodes, even Nat. They all said nice things, how she had gone to a better place, how the world had gotten better because of her,… But he didn’t hear any of that. It was too much, he couldn’t bear being reminded one more time. So he quickly excused himself to a shower. When they had all left, he went straight to the bar, grasped whatever bottle was in reach and drowned his sorrow down with liquor. This became Tony’s daily routine. He drank until he passed out. Then slept until he could drink again. He didn’t care to eat or drink, only when FRIDAY insisted on calling 911 did Tony order pizza and stuffed it down mindlessly. Everything tasted the same, bland and miserable. That was why he needed his wine. Strong, aromatic and rich. Most people didn’t understand why he drank so much. Of course they didn’t. Nobody could. Let just say that Tony Stark was a coward. He was afraid of being alone. At least when he drank, he could pretend that this was just all a bad dream, that in fact she never left. He locked himself in his Tower, left all of his company to FRIDAY, and refused to answer the phone or meet anyone. Even Rhodes and Vision were forced to move out. After 6 months of trying, people left him be, and he was thankful for it. Ironman turned his back on the world to nurse his wound – one that could never truly heal.


	2. Feel something so right, doing the wrong thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kids, this is the story about how your uncle Tony first met your uncle Loki.  
> *sarcastically mimic Ted’s voice*

“What the fuck was that sound? Turn it off!” - Tony turned and covered his ears with a pillow to dampen the piercing sound. 

“My apologies, sir” - FRIDAY replied. 

After that, the sound died down. Tony was still affected by the hangover. Apparently 2 bottles of scotch in a row were not a very good idea. But he had to admit that last night’s sleep was the first one that he didn’t wake up crying or screaming from nightmares. It was the first time since... No, he had promised to himself that he would stop thinking about that. Only after 10 more seconds did Tony realize that the piercing sound was his safety alarm.

“FRIDAY, why did the alarm go off?” - Tony asked, trying to get up from the floor. 2 bottles of scotch were a very bad idea, Tony mentally noted, he couldn’t shake off the haziness that was flogging his mind. 

“The safety alarm went off because your friend Mr. Thor Odinson appeared on the rooftop, boss. And he brings some companions” - answered FRIDAY. 

“Tell Thor to go away, tell him I’m not home” - Tony was too tired to meet anyone, he couldn’t handle another condolences. Coffee, yes, he really needed coffee right now. 

After a few seconds, FRIDAY replied “He insisted on seeing you, sir. He said that this meeting is of royal purpose.”

FRIDAY’s answers confused Tony. What was Thor doing here instead of fighting alien in his Viking Lands? And royal purpose? What the fuck was it supposed to mean? And did FRIDAY say “companions”, he brought his friends? What could he possibly have done to make Thor come here with his friends?. Tony had to mental check whether he had drunk texted Jane anything dirty or inappropriate. But he remembered none. To be honest, most of the time when Tony was drunk, he couldn’t even find the sofa, let alone his phone to do anything improper with it. 

“Arg, fine, since Point Break is here, I suppose I would have to come up there and say hi” - Tony whined silently as he stumbled to the bathroom to change into a new T-shirt. He couldn’t remember the last time he showered, most possibly not in the last 2 days. Definitely wouldn’t want the future King of Asgard gag in his presence.

Normally, he would have told FRIDAY to kick Thor and his “companions” out. But Tony got a feeling that this visit was not just about sharing sentimental things. Besides, he was curious to know what Thor meant by “royal purpose”. So after a fall and 2 more bumps in the head, he reached the bathroom. 

“Let them wait. This is for coming by without noticing” - Tony felt his muscles relax under the hot water. If only Peppe... No, he quickly shook his head to get the thought out. Now he remembered why he avoided showering. It reminded him too much of her. So Tony quickly got out, put on a new jean and T-shirt then headed to the balcony. He had intended to shave, but the longer he stayed in the shower, the more he wanted to get another bottle.

The first thing that came to Tony’s mind when he saw Thor and a bunch of big ass, muscular guards was “Fuck”.

“Wassup Point Break, you doing okay?” - Tony tried to present the best “Hey everyone, I’m totally fine” face to Thor. But mayhaps Thor wasn’t concerned about Tony’s mental or physical health at all, for there was a constant frown on his face, which wasn’t like him at all.

“Greetings, friend Stark” - Thor tried to force a smile but they both knew that it was a pretty pathetic attempt.

“Hey big guy, what is the problem? You look even worse than me, bro” - If anything could cause Thor, a-flying-and-shooting-thunder-out-of-his-magical-hammer Norse deity, to be worried, then Tony should be worried as well.

Suddenly, Thor held Tony’s shoulders and looked at him straight in the eyes.

“Friend Stark, could I count on you to do me a favor?”

“O...of course, what is it?” - At this point, Tony honestly kinda freaked out. Why was Thor so serious?

“You see, 5 years ago my brother Loki strayed from his path and inflicted harm upon your realm. He was defeated of course, by the bravery of Midgardian citizens and her greatest heroes. Loki was escorted back to Asgard, by myself, to attend his trial and receive a suitable punishment for his crime. That was the plan, that was what supposed to happen. After returning Loki to Asgard, I had to secure peace in other realms, so I couldn’t attend the trial. I thought that he would be sentenced to a life time imprisonment. But no, my fa… Odin, took the matters too far. He stripped my brother of his magic, tor...tortured him, and sent him as a gift to the being that had twisted my brother’s mind - Thanos, for the last 5 years.” - Tony could see how hard Thor clenched his jaws at the word “tortured” and “Thanos”. If you looked carefully, you could see Thor’s eyes became more and more glassy after each words.

“Fortunately, I have grown. I was no longer a big fool who danced to Odin’s attendance. I saw through the lies that he had fed to me. So I came looking for my brother” - Suddenly Thor turned around and signaled something to his guards. They immediately stepped aside, revealing an unconscious man, wrapped in a what must have been Thor’s cape. Loki. - “And rescued him”.

To be honest, Tony wasn’t really paying attention to all of the talking. But he did pick out a few important words. Loki. Tortured. Odin. Thanos. And the moment the guards moved aside to reveal an unconscious Loki. Tony’s mind immediately went into emergency mode. 

“Hold up, big blonde. That is Loki. What the hell. What is he doing here? Why did you bring him here?” - Personally, he kinda sympathized for Loki, he was held captive by the Ten Rings in less than a year and they had already messed him up, big time, let alone 5 years of torture. But most of his recurring nightmares recently were about either Pepper or the black hole that he had to go through in New York. The black hole that he had to go through because that bag of cats was pissed off with almighty daddy. So yeah, call him a jerk, whatever, Tony didn’t want Loki here, especially not in his tower.

“This is the favor that I asked you of. I have no other place to go to. We can’t return to Asgard, not when Odin is still king. Midgard is his last chance, and the Avengers are my only friends here. Jane and I are no longer together... “ - There was a small pause before Thor continued. - “But I can not entrust my brother to the others, not when he is this vulnerable. Anthony son of Stark, you are my only hope, I know you wouldn’t take revenge on him, you even offered him a drink. Please, my brother only needs a shelter, his magic is still bound, he wouldn’t cause you any trouble. I promise after I have finished with Odin, I will come back and bring him home. He will be gone in no time.” Thor’s hands were still holding Tony’s shoulders like a pair of iron pincers. Tony could see the desperation in his voice. The guy was truly hopeless to come to Tony for help.

Somehow, Thor reminded Tony of himself. Thor’s eyes were basically his eyes after Istanbul, whenever he was sober enough to look at himself in the mirror. The only difference was the absence of regret. “Here is another person who will go down the same path as I did if I refused to help” - Tony thought. Averting Thor’s gaze, Tony looked at Loki and couldn’t help but wonder if that guy was someone else, would Tony turn his back on him? Would Tony be heartless enough to kick him out? Would Pepper, wherever she was right now, approve of Tony’s decision of backing away from aiding a person in need? Besides, it was not like Loki could harm him anytime soon. The guy was barely breathing. The only thing that made people know he was alive was his occasional small whines of pain. Even from this distance, he could see how much agony Loki was in. His face was coated with dirt, mud and dried blood. His mouth was even muzzled (they didn’t take that shit off?). His hair was a mess, gone was the silky and smooth dark hair. It was tangled like a bird nest, and longer than it should have been. Some of Loki’s fingers looked twisted, bent in an incredible angle. From both of his wrists, Tony could see scars that ran all the way to his shoulders, if not longer. And Tony was sure that there was more under that cape, for the dark red cape looked even darker at some spots. If that guy were merely a human, he would have been gone. And damn, he must have lost a significant amount of weight as well, both of his cheeks were hollow and the wrists was only about that of a child. Tony thought he might throw up if he looked at Loki any longer. How sick was this “Thanos” guy to turn a cocky and narcissistic Loki into a heap of nothing like this? 

When Tony’s eyes once again found Thor’s, he had made up his mind. He might not be Ironman anymore, but he was still Tony Stark. And Tony Stark wouldn’t turn away from situations like this. No, not the Tony Stark that Pepper had known and loved. Besides, what could possibly go wrong with having an unconscious, post-traumatic psychopath under the same roof with an equally post-traumatic and alcoholic psychopath? Sure, the guy tried to invade New York and release some big ass monsters onto the city - plus being one of the most wanted criminals on Earth, and probably a lot of other places. But he needed help, and in the current situation, Tony was his only chance, as well as Thor’s. 

“You know what Point Break, your little brother might stay here for a few days” - Tony couldn’t believe his own ears when he said those words. But he guessed it was the right thing to say, for Thor looked so relieved, as if someone had taken the entire world off his shoulders.


	3. The worst things in life come free to us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains disturbing images and descriptions of Loki’s mistreatment.

Thor and his “companions” left just as quickly as they came. After Thor had carried Loki inside and laid him on the sofa, he simply vanished, without even a last look at his unconscious brother. There were so many things that Tony wanted to ask. For example how bad was Loki’s injuries, or how was he supposed to care for a seriously injured and unconscious person, when he barely remembered to feed himself. Well, he guessed he had to figure that out on his own. Then his attention shifted back to Loki, and immediately Tony let out a sign. “This is going to be a long day” - Tony thought as he looked at the clock, it was 9:38 in the morning. 

Slowly he approached Loki and unfolded the cape that was now soaking with blood and sweat. One look at Loki’s body and Tony already regretted being sober. Loki only wore a simple black pants, which made his body appear even thinner than it was. His chest was covered with angry red lines, some was still dripping blood. There was several burns on his shoulders and arms, most of them were in the process of healing already. And the bruises were beyond count, his chest and stomach were basically purple and green, with red lines of blood in between. Tony had to look away a few times to calm himself so that he wouldn’t faint. Torture was not an unfamiliar subject to him. But this, this was not just torture. This was outright sickness. At this point, Tony was afraid to even turn Loki aside to have a look at his back. And he was right. Loki’s back was even worse than his chest. There were knife cuts everywhere, from the back of his neck all the way to his waist. Some were as long as 4 inches. What made it worse was that they looked new, somewhat in the last 2 days, and it was those cuts that caused all of the bleeding. On the side of Loki’s hips, Tony could see some burns similar to those caused by electricity. His left arm was broken, along with several of his fingers. His right ankle was twisted in the wrong direction, and two of his toes looked broken as well. Tony was speechless, and horrified. This was too much, definitely too much for him. Ain’t no way in hell he could fix Loki up without professional help.

“FRIDAY, call my personal doctor, tell him it is an emergency, someone is hurt, badly. Make sure he knows that the thing he’s about to do is confidential” - Tony said hurriedly as he was losing patience - “Tell him to get his ass here now. The patient has lost a lot of blood”.

“Already done, sir. Would you like me to scan Mr. Loki Odinson and give you a detailed report on his injuries?” - FRIDAY helpfully added.

“Yes, for fuck’s sake. And send a copy to our doctor, too.”

“Will do, sir. Doctor Anderson’s ETA is 6 minutes.”

Tony was practically holding his head in his hands right now. This was too freaking much. Oh my god. Who the fuck could do anything like this? He stood up to find a new blanket for Loki, no way in hell would he use that cape again. On his way back, he quickly poured himself a drink and gulped it down. He really needed it. Never thought that one day he might use alcohol to stay alerted. When he came back, Loki was silently moaning because of the pain. The pool of blood was getting bigger and Loki’s face was paler than it already was. Speaking of face, that goddamn muzzle was still on. Tony quickly went to Loki’s side, knelt down and gently removed it. When the muzzle fell off, Tony puked. Loki’s lips were sewn shut, he could see the black threads cutting into his flesh. How could they? At this point, Tony was no longer horrified, he was boiling with anger. Not even the worst kind of criminals deserved this, definitely not Loki. 

“Sir, the doctor has arrived” - FRIDAY’s voice interrupted Tony’s thoughts, which he was thankful for actually.

Doctor Anderson and two nurses came in to treat Loki’s wounds. It took them 8 hours and three more nurses to stop the bleeding, reset broken bones, bandage as well as sterilize the cuts, and get the stitches out of Loki’s lips. After they had finished, Loki was moved to a guest’s bedroom. Doctor Anderson lingered for 20 more minutes to give Tony a crash course on how to change the bandage then left. Tony wasn’t really worried that these people would go around saying that they had just fixed up the super villain who attacked New York 5 years ago. Money would buy their silence, and money was something Tony had plenty of. 

When the adrenaline rush was over, Tony sat down on a chair beside Loki’s bed and let out a sigh of relief. The last 8 hours was the longest 8 hours of his entire life. Thank god, Loki’s conditions were stable now. Still there was small chances of complications and infections. So at the time being, it was best that he never leave his bed. 

“You threw me out of a window, made me put a nuke through a space portal, and now you sleep here like a baby while we work our asses off to keep you alive. 5 years of not seeing and somehow you’re still a jerk” - Tony said with a tired smile. To be honest, when he was not planning world domination or attempting anything crazy, Loki looked quite peaceful and innocent. Of course he still looked like shit, we would work with that in the future. For the time being, this was the best Tony could ever hope to achieve. Loki had stopped moaning in pain, mostly thanked to the anesthesia. The wounds had to hurt like hell, but he wouldn’t feel any of that, at least not right now. Tony was glad that Loki would sleep for quite some times. He didn’t know how to deal with a post-traumatic god who had just been rescued from the clutch of his tormentors. He still remembered vividly the first two weeks after Afghanistan. Everyone was foe to him, he would lock himself alone in his room for days, only to have it opened by Pep...Pepper, overriding his authority on JARVIS. 

Not knowing what else to do, Tony got up and headed to the bathroom. He needed to clean up, there was some of Loki’s blood on his arms and clothes. In the shower, all Tony could think of was his guest’s wounds, and the injuries report from the scan that FRIDAY had run. 

“14 broken and fractured bones, including 3 on his left hand and 2 on his right, 3 broken toes, 1 broken arm, 1 fractured knee, 2 fractured wrists and 2 more on his left thighs.  
21 cuts and 29 lashes. Bruises beyond count. 2 burn marks that involve electricity. 4 was most likely caused by heat and fire.   
His lips were sewn shut approximately around the same time with the cuts on his back. My conclusion is that Mr. Loki Odinson haven’t had any water or any nutritional substances in the last 2 days, or probably even longer.   
I have also found evidence of genital injuries including inflammation, bruising and minor lacerations around his genital and anal area. My suggestion is molestation and forced penetration.” 

He couldn’t shake off FRIDAY’s words, “molestation and forced penetration”. The guy was fucking raped, just when he thought those fucktards couldn’t get any sicker. Tony let out another sigh. Today was just getting better and better. “If only Bruce were here, he would know how to deal with Loki” - Tony thought. It had been almost a year since Bruce’s disappearance. Tony had set out every drones that he owned to look for him, even Fury had to call in reinforcement as well as contacted several agencies all around the globe, yet everything proved fruitless. It almost felt like Bruce was hiding from them, not that Tony could blame him, really. The downside of being a superhero was no privacy. The public didn’t give a shit about your feelings. They didn’t care whether Tony Stark had lost his fiancee, or Bruce Banner suffered from mental disease, they cared only for their benefits, for their life. When New York was under attack, they cried out for a savior. Then when they got the Avengers, did they thank them for saving their life? Did they send Tony flowers for redirecting the nuke? Did anyone ever say anything nice about Natasha although she saved 200.000 people from being exterminated by the Insight project? No, they fucking didn’t. They blamed the Avengers for the death of a guy who was crushed by a building in Sokovia, after his team had saved their asses from being evaporated. 

Tony thought of disappearing many times. But back then, he didn’t quite have enough motivation. Why ran away when he could live a rich and happy life with Pepper? Maybe after he was done with Loki, he would sell everything, including this tower and his company, then moved to somewhere remote. He was thinking about Greenland, or maybe some islands in Hawaii. Somewhere out of technology’s reach, peaceful and quiet, for him to live out the rest of his days. 

Stepping out of the shower, Tony felt a little bit light-headed. And to make it even clearer, his stomach gave out a growl.

“FRIDAY, would you be a sweetheart and order me a pizza, dear?” - Tony said, while drying his hair with a towel. Suddenly, Tony thought of Loki. When did that guy last eat? Probably not in this week and today was Thursday already. Maybe he should stack something healthy into the fridge, in case bag of cats woke up unexpectedly.

“Hey FRI, fill the fridge with something healthy, too, I don’t know, veggies and pastas, anything that our guest can enjoy should he decide to wake up.” - Tony added, see, he could be a decent host as well.

When he felt his hair was dry enough, Tony walked to his bed and lied down, the pizza could wait. Pizzas were great no matter how you enjoyed it - hot, cold, even microwaved. Then he looked to his bed stand clock, it was 6:09 in the afternoon. What a day. This morning he woke up hungover as fuck from yesterday’s drink and now he had taken up a responsibility of caring for another person. Not just any person, he was taking care of Loki, the same guy who tossed him right out of the window.

“Maybe, this was just a dream, maybe if I closed my eyes, and…” - Those were Tony’s last thoughts before he drifted off to sleep.


	4. You’re a little late, I’m already torn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first Loki POV. *yayyyyy*  
> Warning: this one contains torture, blood and a lot of terrible things.  
> I’m so sorry for putting Loki through all of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your support, everyone! And I’m so sorry for always replying to you guys so late. School stuffs just keep coming and coming, urggg.  
> Anyways, please enjoy!

The last thing Loki could remember was Odin’s face, grim, cold and unforgiving. Odin’s mouth was moving, he must have said something, but Loki couldn’t remember what it was. It must have been something very terrible, for he could faintly see the lady next to him broke down in a heartbreaking wail. She was so beautiful, elegant and noble. Did he know her? He felt like he did, but he couldn’t recall, in fact, most of the time he couldn’t remember anything, other than pain. 

Pain. He had thought about it so many times that he almost forgot what it meant. But he could feel it, of course, they made sure that he did. Not just pain, no, pain was too easy, too mild. The things that they put him through was more than that. Pain subsided as time passed, wounds healed and bruised faded. But not the visions. Physical wounds at least healed, with time and care. But the visions stayed, as long as he still drew breath.

Thanos and his underlings considered those a gift to the fallen prince. “They would help you decide for yourself who you really are, a god or a monster”. There were images and footages, of every wound that his victims had to go through because of him. One night, he would dream a dream where he was a Jotun child, with skin like ice and eyes blood red. He would look up only to see the world on fire, blasts of bright lights piercing through the ground, burning houses and men, melting ice and children. In that dream, he did try to run, to hide, but there was nowhere to go. The bright lights were so brilliant, colorful and majestic, yet everything it touched turned to ashes and smoke. The last thing Loki remembered before he woke up was darkness, for the lights blinded him; and the blazing heat as his flesh evaporated under the deadly rays. And he knew those weren’t dreams. A Jotun child died like that when he unleashed the power of the Bifrost on Jotunheim. An innocent child was murdered by the like of him, by a beast who refused to acknowledge its heritage, by a vermin who evaded the truth. Every night he would live a different life, Midgardian, Jotun, Asgardian,... no matter. For every sleep would end with screams and death. Death that was on his hands, blood that either his blades or ambitions had drawn. Dawn would break and the nightmares truly began.

It was almost like a routine really. His daily alarm was a leather whip that cut sharply through the air and his flesh, drawing blood, as red as the eyes of Loki’s monstrous form. On some particularly bad days, they used electric whip, whose lashes caused flesh to burn and drizzle.   
“Death is a reward” - they had said - “something a pathetic runt like you could never hope to get”, or so Loki remembered. Or was he the one who said it? No matter, it was all the same. No salvation, no hope, and no way out. Just pain, the constant, unbearable pain. 

The Chitauri were not particularly pleased with the news of Loki’s defeat on Midgard. They were a race of war, and war never tolerated those who lost. Some days they would use Loki as a punching bag. And there would be a bet to see who could make him scream the loudest. Sometimes they beat him so hard that he couldn’t remember where he was or who he was. A long time ago, another Loki, someone who was brave, smart and handsome, that Loki might try to ruin their fun by keeping his mouth shut. But that Loki was gone, that Loki lived a long time ago on golden Asgard, treated like a prince, and soon died beneath the dirt of Thanos’s prison. The Loki right now would scream as loud as he could to end the bet a tad quicker. The Loki right now would drop to his knees like a well-trained slave to avoid any kind of unnecessary pain. Sometimes when he was alone, his thoughts wandered back to the life of another person, someone who dressed in finest leather and rode high horse, someone who walked beside his brother and was addressed as Your Grace. Everytime that happened, Loki always wanted to cry, but he couldn’t seem to know why. But sometimes, he knew. It used to be his life, he was a Prince, the brother was Thor and everything wasn’t a dream, those were memories, of a life that was gone, of a life now shattered and tainted. 

Just when he thought they couldn’t do anything worse to him, they proved him wrong, time after time. Thanos’s prison was a complex construction consisted of many different sections including: the cells - where Loki was held, weapon vaults, instruments chambers - where the torture devices were stored, and a series of secret chambers. And most of Loki’s traumas came from those places. For it was there, he was exposed to his truest form, the despised blue form, the degrading, inferior Jotun skin. “You are no Prince, not even an Asgardian. Just a trophy, a scum who was casted out to die alone on a frozen rock.” - And they were right. He was inferior, a Frost Giant, something that appeared in bedtime story that parents told their children at night to scare them to sleep. A monster, who deserved to be killed on sight. 

He was stripped to his bare self, chained and gagged, then thrown to the chamber of blistering heat. He never liked the sun, not even when he was Loki of Asgard. He hazily remembered summer days when he would get so sick that mother had to stay by his side to tend for him. Oh, now he knew who that lady was. She was Frigga, his mother, someone he loved with all of his heart. How she had cried out for him when he was taken away! He couldn’t recall whether he had shed tears, but she definitely had. He hated seeing her cry that like. She was a queen, majestic and powerful. She shouldn’t have sunk so low to her knees and reached out for a monster like him. He had caused her so much misery and so little joy. Frigga should have been like Odin. She should have treated him the way Odin had, like a discarded piece of trash that he was. But soon, he quickly forgot all of the memories, painful or loving, joyful or sad. Nothing truly mattered in this chamber, nothing but the heat. His head felt like it was being hammered, he couldn’t think straight. Blisters started to cover his body, and old wounds started to bleed anew. The joints felt like glass and his lips shed skin. Sometimes he tried to crawl to the edge of the room to get shelter but it was useless. The chamber was made of metal, which conducted heat. Leaning against the wall meant being fried alive. He had learnt that the best way to deal with this was to let it be. He would simply lie down on the floor, half face down, the other half covered by the long hair. Then he would close his eyes and let his thoughts wandered free, praying that they would have mercy and drag him out. They never did. He had thought that he would die, which he was looking forward to, actually. But like they said, they would never allow that. Loki was theirs to torture, theirs to play, and they weren’t done with him yet. 

The time when he was first kept in the chamber for 4 days was when he disobeyed the Chitauri’s wishes. Loki couldn’t remember what had transpired to that, nor could he remember what happened after - mostly because of the heat stroke. All he could recall was the things in between. Rough hands that kept his limbs and body in place like iron grip. Tough words that shouted out his deepest insecurities and sneered as if he was nothing more than a viral animal. Those hands were everywhere on his body. They bruised his ankles and sprained his wrists. They took off his shirt and tore apart his breeches. Their fingers entered him like a knife, twisted him, reached into the furthest part in him. “If Odin could see you right now, or maybe Laufey, what would the two fathers think about their son?” What would they think of him? Odin would probably laughed and walked away, for this was his destiny, this was the life he was supposed to have. Perhaps Laufey would do the same, or even worse. What could he expect from the person who left a defenseless child on a frozen rock to die? A bitter smile formed on his exhausted face. “I am Loki son of no one” - he thought, as they spread him wide and took him like an animal. First thrust, his back bled from the clawing and cutting from the sharp armour. Second thrust, he could feel friction chapping his rear and blood trickling down his thighs. Third thrust, one guard held his head up and force his length down Loki’s throats. He couldn’t breathe or scream, and there were tears on his cheeks. “Not even Frigga would want you as a son now” - His thoughts wandered back to her as an escape, yet once again his mind betrayed him. Everything in his body felt like they were on fire. His hair was held tight to swallow whole their lengths. The sound of flesh against flesh, the small squeaks of his muffled cry and muted screams, the smell of sex, blood and semin created a horrible mess. He wanted to puke, but he couldn’t, not even breathing came easy.   
Loki didn’t know how long this lasted. Tears blurred his vision and their laughter filled his head, which he was partly thankful for. At least he didn’t know how many guards had used him, nor could he remember their faces. Maybe if he fooled himself long enough, he could make his mind believe that this was just one of his sick and twisted nightmares. “Look how tight you are little princess. How would mighty Thor feel if he sees you right now?”. Thor, his brother, no, not brother, he was adopted. Loki mentally corrected himself, “not even adopted, collected, perhaps.”. All of the sudden, memories of his not brother came rushing back. “We were children together. Mother would hold us in her arms by the hearth on winter days and sing us lullabies.”. Once, they were equals. Once, they were both free. Now, look what had become of Loki? Look what had become of Asgard’s second son? Thor was going to be king, while he was rotting. Thor was probably staying with his lovely Midgardian mortal, when he was raped and used. Loki was too deep in thoughts to notice that he had absentmindedly bit hard into one of the guards’ flesh. Only when his back collided with the hard stone floor did he snap out of it. Then a rain of beatings and whippings showered down, and before he could regain enough consciousness, the heat was all he felt.

Long ago, Loki abandoned all hopes of escape or being rescued. He forced himself to resign to the fact that he was going to live the rest of his days, however much time he had left, here. Better that than waking up with a belief of getting out, only to have it crushed right under his nose. Of course he did attempt to break free a few times, but he couldn’t quite recall the exact number. Well, torture inflicted not only physical wounds. He just knew that after every failure, the Chitauri got much harsher and more violent. There were a few times he dreamt of Thor smashing his ways through the guards, broke his chains with one single swing of Mjolnir and flew him out, flew him home. Those dreams happened so often that sometimes even the dream-Loki would refuse to leave his cells. For he knew that none of this was real, that once he touched his brother, all would disappear and only the dark cold floor remained. That was why when Thor did intrude the Chitauri’s domain to rescue him, Loki thought he had gone insane. 

“Brother, I have come for you” - Thor’s booming voice shouted as he knocked two guards down. - “Loki, where are you?”. Mjolnir crashed another guard against the wall.

Something similar to hope flickered in Loki, yet he soon stamped it out. “Just another dream. Ignore and it will go away”. Loki then proceeded to close his eyes and steadied his breaths. He stayed still despite all of the screaming and cracking of walls, despite all of the gun firings and thunder flashes. When at last, after what felt like an eternity, every sound died down. Loki could hear his own heartbeats pounding and sweats running down his temples. He slowly opened his eyes and saw what could only be a hallucination of his broken mind. There was Thor, as strong and formidable as the day he had last met him, one hand holding Mjolnir and one hand clenching so hard that all knuckles turned white. Something in his eyes that Loki couldn’t quite understand. Normally, the dream-Thor would either flash his golden smile or accuse Loki of his crimes and abominations. This one looked pained, almost guilty. Loki formed a weak smile, he had danced this dance before, this was not the first time his mind tried to escape by imaging his brother.

“Go away, enough for one day.” - Loki said tiredly, voice rasped from screaming. - “You are not real, never were and never will be.” - The last sentence was spoken so quietly that it had hardly been anything more than a whisper. 

“Brother…” - Thor stuttered, couldn’t believe his own eyes. He was sure his eyes were tearing up. His little brother, the one he had sworn to protect with his life, and had failed to do so so spectacularly. The one who had disappeared for more than 5 years, suffering unimaginable pain, while he spent time warring and feasting. Now when he had finally come to his brother’s aid, Loki refused to answer, no, refused to believe that he was truly here. 

“I am here brother, Thor... is here” - The God of Thunder choked out a few simple words that his disturbed mind could muster. How could you tell someone that you would rescue them after they had been tortured for 5 years? And in those 5 years you had thought that they were scheming, plotting an evil crime, that they had faked their own disappearance only to serve that despicable purpose. 

“Yes, Thor. Then I must be on Asgard” - Loki bitterly replied, he could feel energy draining from his body, his limbs getting colder each second passed. He didn’t know why he kept talking to this vision. It sure was a nice distraction though. At least for awhile, he could remember what he used to be like, sarcastic and proud. The fake Thor became blurrier and blurrier, he could see his mouth moving but couldn’t quite make out the words. His own name kept echoing in his head. “Loki” was his name, was it not? Before darkness consumed him, the former God heard the chains binding his hands broke apart. And the strong arms that had gathered him in the warmest embrace ever, smelt like soil, leather and home. 

——————————

With one stroke, Thor freed his little brother of all the chains that were holding him, cradled him in his cape and took off. He didn’t know where he was heading to, Asgard was not an option. To Asgard, Loki was a traitor, a usurper, and a murderer. Odin had made it clear that only death awaited his brother upon his returning and Thor couldn’t allow that. He had lost Loki twice, one on the Bifrost and one after New York. He refused to lose him again. Letting out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding, Thor called Heimdall to bring him to Midgard. This place had shown him mercy and hospitality when he first arrived. It may have been wronged by Loki, but Thor believed that her people wouldn’t turn away a person who was in need. And his brother had paid more than enough for his crimes. As he entered the blinding light, Thor prayed upon the very existence of the Yggdrasil itself that he had, for once in his life, done his brother some good. 

——————————

“Sir, sir, please wake up. SIR” - FRIDAY’s deafening voice woke him right at once.  
“I’m awake. Alright?! Jesus FRIDAY. What was that about?” - Still sleepy, Tony slowly got up and yawned. It was only 2 in the morning. - “You better have a good reason for this” - Tony mumbled. He hated being woken up, it made him feel like he was being bossed around. Well, people didn’t just call him a “narcissistic asshole” for no reason.

“My apologies, boss. But your guest seems to be experiencing traumas in his rest. I am afraid that he might hurt himself” - FRIDAY calmly replied.


	5. Now my dear we are two golden leaves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a bit of TonyxLoki comfort, it’s quite fleeting I’m sorry, and a bit of Tony’s past life with Pepper. 
> 
> I just feel the need to dedicate one chapter to emphasize how much Tony loved Pepper because it’s important for the storyline, and because of his love for her that Tony acts the way he does in the upcoming chapters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy guyss! I’m so sorry for taking this long to post. Thank you so much for reading this. I hope that you enjoy it as much as I do!

Needless to say, Tony had bolted at top speed to Loki’s room when FRIDAY reached the “traumas” part. After a few slips, he arrived at the guest room and everything immediately felt wrong. Even outside the thick wall, Tony could hear Loki whimpering in his sleep and that was definitely not a good sign. Moving too fast or simply turning in the wrong direction could cause wounds to reopen, which meant undoing 8 hours of hard work of at least 6 people. No, no, he wouldn’t let that son of a bitch died on him like that, not after all the lengths he had gone to make sure he was okay. Without hesitation, Tony entered the room and just as he had expected, Loki was tossing restlessly on the sheets, some of the bandage on his torso and arms looked slightly red underneath. 

“Hey, Loki, you here? Hey, you are on Earth, well, Midgard or something in your language. You are safe, Hey!” - Tony rambled as he tried to hold Loki’s hands down and forced his eyes to look at him. - “Stop turning, you will hurt yourself. Hey! Loki! You are safe. Shit! Stop! Hey!” - No matter how loud he shouted, or how firm his grip on Loki’s hands were, they did nothing to calm the panicked God. In fact, Tony could feel that the God of Mischief become more violent the more he talked. Loki didn’t seem to acknowledge his words. Sound terrified him and Tony’s grasp on his wrists only made it worse.

“Please, stop… Please, not this, please…” - Loki’s raspy voice muttered, a tear strolled down his left cheek. Hands hovering above his head to protect himself from unavoidable blows. - “I will do anything, please… No, NO, NO… ” - This ended with more uncontrollable thrashings, heartfelt screamings and more red spots under several bandages.

“No, no, NOOOOO,.... Mother, pl.... , don’t go, please….. help me…” 

“Doctor Anderson left two shots of sedative in the second drawer of the bed stand on your left, sir.” - FRIDAY helpfully provided.

“About fucking time” - Tony hurried to the bed stand on his left and injected Loki with one of the neatly placed syringes. Almost immediately, Loki stilled in Tony’s arms. Everything happened so fast that he couldn’t believe the man lying and breathing somewhat steadily in front of him, just moments ago, was twitching painfully, begging for Tony not to… “do it’ to him. And Tony was smart enough to know what “it” meant. Gosh he really needed booze to get through all of this Loki stuff. A lot of booze.

“No wonder being pinned down makes the guy super crazy” - Tony mentally slapped himself, he needed to come up with a way to deal with Loki’s night terrors, as well as approached him when he woke without having another episode. He couldn’t keep the guy drugged forever. Tony ran one hand through his hair and turned to leave. Everything was good, for now. 

“What time is it, hon?” - Tony asked tiredly, no way in hell could he go back to sleep. The adrenaline rush made sure of it.

“Currently 2:46 in the morning, sir. Would you like me to turn the coffee machine on for you?” - FRIDAY offered, knowing all too well that her creator would not go back to bed anytime soon.

“Yes, baby. Now you know what I’m talkin ‘bout” - A small smile formed on Tony’s lips, it was great to be with someone who knew what he meant, even without him talking. It almost felt like Pe… Pepper was here. Tony shook his head slightly, no, he couldn’t go down that path again. He had taken up a responsibility, he couldn’t let grief consume him one more time. Quickly, he stepped out of the elevator and headed to the kitchen. The smell of freshly brewed coffee immediately calmed his mind. Tony took a seat in a too-large-for-one-person dining table and gulped down half of his cup. 

“This tastes so fucking good” - Ironman exclaimed. He hadn’t had coffee since the day he flew to Istanbul. After that, it had always been liquor - whiskey, scotch, vodka, basically anything that could make him drunk. Coffee made him awake, being awake meant remembering and remembering was bad, really bad. 

One drawback of living in a ridiculously big house was the constant reminder that he was, in fact, very lonely. He had like three to four bedrooms on each floor, and there were like ten residential floors or more in his tower. And recently only one room had been used. He kinda missed the times when the Avengers were still around. Wanda didn’t really get along with him and Steve played mother to the group too often for his liking. Still it had been the closest thing to a family he could ever hope to get. At least there were movie nights and occasional breakfast pancakes. The very table he was leaning on used to hear inappropriate jokes from Clint, Thor’s strange stories, Natasha’s discreet smiles when someone mentioned Bruce. They had never been perfect, none of them was or would ever be. But they had each other’s back, and that was more than anyone in the team could ask for.

Then reality came back and hit him like a train. Tony looked around, only to find himself surrounded by furniture and the operating sound of air conditioners. No more Rhodey’s silly jokes, Vision’s obvious crush for Wanda, Clint’s kids laughing through the phone, or even Thor’s loud voice. He pushed every single one of them away. 

“Great. Now I wanna drink” - Tony rolled his eyes and mumbled silently. He had thought that the worst phase of his life was over. He had thought that maybe, just for one tiny bit, he deserved love and kindness. But he was wrong, apparently. 

Tony Stark, the Invincible Ironman, the billionaire, the philanthropist, the superhero. They were his names, or perhaps had been. Tony didn’t know what his name was anymore. He stopped being Ironman a long time ago. Actually, he stopped being anyone or anything besides an alcoholic a long time ago. Well, how could he be anyone anymore, when most of those names owed their existence to Miss Pepper Potts. It was Pepper who stitched back pieces of him, metaphorically speaking, after Afghanistan. It was Pepper who gave him enough courage to take out the metal segments in his chest. It was her who guided him, it was her who showed him the right path. Everything had always been about her, only her. And he failed her. He should have known, really. He should have known he was not good enough for her. He was not good enough to figure out a way to get rid of the Extremis, or at least neutralized it. He was not good enough to save her, when she had so many times saved him. He had been too proud. “No worries my dear, your fiancé is a genius.”. “A genius”, he had said, “a genius” who stood by helplessly as she heated up and exploded to million parts, all alone. 

Virginia Potts had been the sponsors of countless charity programs held under his name. She was the one who put the Rescue Centers to action. She gave out clothes and blankets to those wandering the streets, when she could have just asked the employees there to do it. Heck, she even cared for the sloths in Brazil. That one time she totally abandoned him for 3 months to live in a place where there were no electricity, internet and probably clean water as well. To do what? To freaking care for a baby sloth who had lost its mother to hunters. She was even tempted to bring it, nope, him - Chewie - to be precise, that clingy bastard, back to America with her. And she did, two dreadful months of sharing his girlfriend with a hairy, slo-mo dude who did nothing but chilled and cuddled. After that Chewie was brought back to Brazil for the mating season. Thank God for that really, he had had enough of sloths for his entire life. That hypocrite even tried to bite him several times, and succeeded at one. Tony didn’t tell Pepper about the incident though. No matter how much he hated Chewie, he loved her with all of his heart. He didn’t want his girlfriend to be at awkward situation. And that meant fake mustache, baseball cap, sunglasses at 10pm at the nearest hospital, trying not to punch the doctor in the nose when the dude snorted at the “bitten by sloth” part. Yup, and the shots really stinged.

Tony smiled at the memories, his Pepper Potts was an angel. Yet what did the public do when they heard the news? She dedicated her whole life to them, and what did she get in return? Gossips, stories that were woven and edited. That she cheated on him, and in the heat of the moment with her secret paramour, she climaxed and exploded. That she was in fact a terrorist, came to him to put her hands on his tech and national secrets. They even fucking created a conspiracy theory around it. Tony wiped the tears angrily. He was this close to shut down all of the programs Pepper had founded. Then he remembered how enthusiastic she had been about every single one of them. Suddenly he couldn’t bring himself to.   
Some of Tony’s business partners paid tribute by setting up memorial stones for her in the heart of Central Park. And that was it. Only the Avengers (Fury and Maria included) ever laid flowers on those stones. Other New Yorkers, tourists, old or young, male or female, would simply look past the stones and carry on with their life. Never knowing that an angel had returned to Heaven. Well, Tony was an atheist, but Pepper was a Christian. Besides, if there was truly anywhere to go in the afterlife, only Heaven suited his beautiful girl. Tony never visited that place in person. For he feared that once he was there, he would refuse to leave. 

Feeling a little bit lightheaded, Tony downed the rest of his black coffee and retreated to his room. This was why he referred being drunk. The memories and emotions attached to them could be overwhelming. Walking past Loki’s room, Tony sighed for the thousandth times since he woke up. He chose to keep Loki on the same floor to keep a better watch on him. Couldn’t let the bastard die in his house.

“Look like we’re equally fucked, man” - Tony whispered. - “Ain’t nothing good comes from the wrecked.” - With that, he entered the room and shut the door.


	6. I’m gonna pick up the pieces, and build a Lego house.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here guys, Loki's first conversation with Tony. This chapter will be longer than usual, with angst, hurt and comfort, and a bit of smut.  
> Warning: panic attacks, self derogatory thoughts, and feeling of worthlessness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! I hope that you enjoy yourself!

It took roughly 2 days, 41 hours to be precise, for Loki to wake up again. This time not from nightmares, a luck he could only thank the Universe itself. And what had Tony been doing in those 41 hours? Well, he hadn’t been drinking, which was a huge improvement. He had tried to occupy his mind and time with books, but that only lasted like 2 hours. He had read half of his library several times over already, and intentionally avoided the other half - which contained Pepper’s fictions and business books. 

“This’s gonna be hard” - Tony whined as he roamed the tower aimlessly. 

“Perhaps you can check out your lab.” - FRIDAY suggested, knowing that there was still a mechanic somewhere in her boss.

Tony had to admit that it felt quite strange fumbling around in his lab like this, trying to pick up what he had left off. Everything almost felt like they belonged to someone else, to another person whose life was dedicated to bettering the world with his inventions. It was quite nostalgic, to be honest, just like bumping into an old friend or coming across a crumpled note of $5 in a pair of jeans that you no longer wore. But hey, he was Tony Stark, and after an hour, he was back to business, stopping only to change Loki’s bandages and order Chinese takeouts. 

It was 7:29 in the evening, when Tony was tinkering with the exoskeleton of Mark 45. You know, the usual stuffs - how to make it lighter, more heat resistant and withstand greater force,... 

“Sir, may I inform you that your guest is slowly regaining his consciousness.” - FRIDAY’s perfect Irish accent broke the silence. 

——————————

The first thing that crossed Loki’s mind was pain. It was not unusual really. That was what he had been waking up to ever since he was captured, and most probably till the very day he died. Still, something was quite … off this time. Gone was the hard stone floor and the constant coldness that had run through his spines between every breaths. His back no longer ached from awkward posture and his limbs had stopped shivering like winter leaves. For once, he remembered warmth, not the scorching heat of the chamber, actual warmth. Smoothness covered his throbbing frame and embraced him like a loving mother. Even the pain itself was somewhat peculiar. Yes, it still hurt. But it hurt in a different way, the type of pain that came from being healed, of wounds treated; the type of pain that soothed your agony, reassuring that soon all the torment would be over. But Loki didn’t feel safe. Years of suffering knocked out any hope of salvation in him, only defeat and fear remained, for defeat and fear were the only things that spared his soul from tearing apart.

He was confused, at least beating, whipping, and hurting were familiar, at least those were what he knew. But this - the indulging softness of a pillow, the inviting warmth and sickly sweet illusions of protection - everything about this screamed deception, everything about this screamed lies. 

Slowly he opened his eyes and for awhile all he could see was the brilliant white light. He didn’t know how long it had been since he last saw anything but darkness. For one fleeting moment, it reminded him of home, days in childhood when sun and stars were companions in his endless quests for treasure, days in childhood that started with the sunlight dancing in his hair.

After a minute or so, vision came back to him and immediately Loki panicked. He wasn’t in his cell anymore. He was on a bed, without any chains or restrictions, in a room of simple decoration and furniture. How could this be? Loki felt his heartbeat accelerated. How did he end up here? Was this another cruel trick? His fingers involuntarily knotted in the satin bedsheet. He craned his neck to stare intensely at the door, waiting for the evil ruse to unveil. Any minute now, this would disappear. One more second and the Chitauri would slam the door open then greet him with a vicious sneer. One more second and he would return to the darkness, cowering like a beaten dog, unfitted to be neither an Asgardian nor the bearer of the glorious purpose that he had so proudly proclaimed. Loki could already hear their voices ringing in his head - ‘Worthless’, ‘Runt’, ‘Scum’, ‘Maggot’,... The door creaked open and the machine on his left let out an alarmingly fast beeping sound. He wanted to close his eyes but found himself unable to do so.

“Strange how people always look at death in the eyes” - Loki silently thought. He was quite proud that at least he could gather this much courage. Mayhaps if the Yggdrasil willed him to die today, he would depart with content for in his last moments, Loki son of no one, was not a wimp as he had lived.

——————————

“Hey Pointy, you’re good?” - Tony asked loudly before turning the doorknob. He got a feeling that he should do that, maybe Loki would feel better hearing a familiar voice. Well, not that familiar, they hadn’t met in 5 years. And, the last time they encountered was not very pleasant. Tony shrugged, at least he could give the guy a few seconds to … gather himself. My, my, he would very much regret today.

The first reaction Tony could see on Loki’s face was disbelief. But quickly the God masked it with a distant, somewhat indifferent expression, and lowered his gaze. Still, Tony could see clearly that Loki was nervous. The muscles on his neck was tensing and there were a few drops of sweat on his brows. 

“Hi, you remember me right? Tony Stark. Ironman. Ring any bell? You o…” - Tony said, as slowly as he could.

“It’s not real. Just a vision. Not real. I’m sorry. Please stop. I know my place…” - Loki said robotically under his breaths. This had to be a trick, he could feel panic quickly took over his mind. No way he could actually meet Stark. He was in his cell, Thanos’s cell. Yes, that was it, he was being punished for disobedience. He had to apologize for his mistake before they brought in more pain. He had to… 

“Loki. Look at me.” - Stark held his face firmly, forcing him to look into the shorter man’s eyes. - “This is real. You are in my house. Now breath.” - It proved to be of no help, for the other man was still hyperventilating.

“No… I’m sorry. Please…No…” - He whispered, terrified that he had done something wrong again. ‘You always do the wrong things, Princess. Because you’re useless’. He could already hear their voice. No. He could not bear another day, just kill him. Pl… 

“Can you see my arc reactor?” - Tony asked all of the sudden, interrupted his guest’s incoherent mutter.

“What…” - The former God frowned, unsure if he had heard correctly. 

“Can you see my arc reactor? The glowing blue thing in my chest that you asked about 5 years ago? Well?” - Tony explained, a bit glad to see that the God had somewhat slowed his breathing.

It took a few more seconds for him to calm down enough to understand Stark’s question. Arc reactor. He faintly remembered what it was, blue and circular. Lowered his eyes to where he knew he would see it, Loki found nothing. 

“No.” - He answered cautiously, why would they ask him that. Was it a trick? What if…? 

“Of course you would not see it. Cuz I removed it 4 years ago. And since you can not see it, it means that you’re in fact here in my house and this is all real. You wouldn’t know that if it wasn’t, would you? Now breath okay?” 

Loki’s eyes widened, this was real? Looking at the person in front of him, the room and then himself, he realised that Stark was right. This was real, the Chitauri could only use what he knew to create illusions. He had to be at Stark’s house, then, (he had said so, had not he?) The God involuntarily moved away from the brown haired man. But Ironman was also his enemy, or so he recalled, this man had no reason to treat him any better than the Chitauri had. 

Giving the God a little time, Tony continued.

“Let’s begin this again, shall we? Hi there Sleeping Beauty. Welcome to Earth, no, what is that word again… Midgard? Yup, Midgard. That is what you guys call Earth right? Your brother, you remember him. Big guy with flying hammer? He dropped you off here few days ago, gosh, you had to look at yourself when you first came . Well you still look like shit. No offense. But…” - Tony went on and on with his rambling. He often did that when he was nervous, and “old habits die hard”.

As for Loki, that was basically all he could hear. For every words after that were drowned out by the voice of his own thoughts. Apparently he was on Midgard. And Thor was the reason behind it. Loki didn’t know how to feel by that, should he feel thankful to Thor for rescuing him - which sounded like a decent thing to do; or should he call the blonde God a fool. They managed to even escape that place because Thanos let them. Soon he would come, and Midgard would not stand a chance against that force of destruction. They were just preys, set free with the illusions of victory. Loki thought bitterly. Thor should have let him rot there. Instead he barged in like a dashing hero, unknowingly lured the most powerful enemy to the weakest link of the Yggdrasil tree. And out of any place on Midgard, he just had to drop him at Stark’s - the person whom he had tried to kill and probably hated him more than anyone else. 

Loki eyed Tony suspiciously, with a tint of fear in his look. This was the one they called Ironman, protector of Midgard. Lying on a bed just a meter away was Loki, a fallen God of Mischief who had attempted world domination on his realm. Loki knew all too well where this was heading to. Thanos had promised him gold and glory when they first met, treated him like a king. Soon, feasts turned to starvation, and a guest became a thrall. This time things had no reason to go any differently. Soft bed and pillow, wounds treated and healed, all were lies and false hopes. Suddenly Loki felt tired. He had had enough of those. You heard right, the God of Mischief had had enough of deceit. 

“Why no chains?” - Loki’s raspy voice broke Tony’s rambling. Immediately, shock was clear on his pale white face. Talk, he could talk. He didn’t notice that earlier, mainly because panic and fear had entirely blinded his sense. Stark had removed the threads that bound his mouth. ‘An animal must always be muzzled’. They had said, so loud and booming while needle broke his skin and blood trickling down his chin. Why did he do that? Loki’s mind ran through millions of reasons to explain Stark’s abnormal hospitality. Why heal him when Stark could call SHIELD and get rid of his hometown’s terrorist at once? Or did he want to take the matter into his own hands - punishing the God in whatever ways he saw fit? Loki could feel his arms tremble slightly. “It shall be fine” - Loki thought, reassuring his churning stomach and shaking limbs. - “Nothing you have not encountered.”. 

“Well, Reindeer Games, in case you haven’t noticed. You ain’t a prisoner here.” - Tony said steadily, in his casual as-a-matter-of-fact tone.

“Am I not this world’s wanted criminal?” 

“Still are, honey, and most probably always will be. But, even us talking monkeys have standards. And this.” - Tony gestured at Loki - “Not even our worst deserve it.” 

“And pray tell, why do YOU care?” - Loki felt his anger boiling. Liars, the whole bunch of them. Odin, Thor, even Frigga, and now Stark as well. Was it really that difficult to just admit that they didn’t give a rat’s ass about him? Why were they so eager making promises that they couldn’t keep? For a quarter of a second, he was glad for the pain. At least it was real, at least it was truthful. 

“Because YOU showed up at my door, bleeding and dying. And because your FUCKING BROTHER more or less begged me to take you in. Perhaps the next time stop pissing people off, you might be able to avoid all of this.” - Tony never said he took people shouting at him well. 

Once he finished speaking, Tony realised how wrong he was. Loki was visibly shaking. Eyes downcast and lips pressing so thin that newly healed wounds threatened to pull apart. Something similar to guilt slowly appeared. Tony sighed. Right from the start he had known this was going to be extra, super, duper difficult. What made Big Blondie think placing his little brother under a known alcoholic’s care was a good idea, was beyond him. “This guy probably went through hell and back. And you said he should “stop pissing people off”.” His conscience spoke up, as his anger shrank almost to none, replaced by the heaviness of responsibility and remorse.

“Hey, hey, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Just… rest okay. You look terrible.” - Tony ran a hand through his hair. He needed alcohol. This was like the thousandth time he had wished for it. - “And know that you’re safe. No one’s gonna hurt you here. Definitely not me.”

“Everything is merely a fitting punishment. Since I am a guest at your home, I shall leave as soon as possible, so as not to cause you further trouble.” - Loki said hurriedly. Mayhaps Stark was right. He was truly a burden. A burden that should have been discarded long ago, and unworthy of any acts of kindness. Stark had no reason to help him. Any second now, this courtesy could stop, and Loki feared the things that followed. He had to leave, but then where? Not Asgard, not anymore. Alfheim sounded like a reasonable option. The Elves were neutral toward him. Or perhaps Jotunheim, one step on that realm and Loki, son of no one, would be no more. Rescued from the cruel clutch of fate and destiny. He needed to leave Midgard, quickly. This place surely hadn’t forgotten what he had done. Besides, the longer he stayed here, the more in danger this realm was. Of course extinction was inevitable everywhere the Mad Titan took interest in. Yggdrasil would burn. But he had wronged Midgard once, if there was a slim chance of this realm staying out of Thanos’s path, even for a bit longer, he would definitely take it. At least this much he could do. 

“Oh really? And go where? Cut the bullshit, please. That’s a pathetic lie, for a God of Mischief.”

“I will figure out a way” - Loki stubbornly said.

“Why are you so eager to leave hah? Ironman’s residence’s not as good as your fancy palace?” 

Loki didn’t even dignify that joke with a reply. Instead his face turned to a frown, and both shoulders unknowingly hunched forward, in a futile attempt to make himself look smaller than he already was.

“They would come. There will be war, and death. Your people will die… .” - The words came out merely as a whisper. He could already see this world burn down in flames and in the heart of it was Thanos, sitting on the corpses of her mightiest guardians and drenching in the blood of her people.

“Then they would have to get through us. Well, the Avengers. And a lot of unknown heroes. And mutants. And even sorcerers.” - Damn, he kinda felt a little bit obsolete compared to them. What could he say - Ironman was only a rich guy in a suit.

“You don’t know who you are dealing with. He, himself, is the avatar of Death…” - Loki didn’t dare say his name out loud. For only demolition came in its wake.

“No offense, Lokes. They said the same thing 5 years ago when you decided to be a conqueror. And look where we are now.” - Tony tried to change the topic of this conversation. Talking about Loki’s tormentors, especially the “Thanos” guy that Thor had mentioned right now would only result in another panic attack. And as much curious as he was about his guest’s 5-year disappearance, this would have to wait.

“They…” 

“Nope, enough.” - Tony interrupted the hyperventilating God. “You. Rest. No more talking. I’m gonna look through the kitchen and prepare something for you to eat.” - Tony headed to the door. “Oh, and how long since you last had anything?” 

Loki’s silence confirmed his question. Even at this distance, he could hear a small growl. Man, malnourished and PTSD, as perfect a combo as peanut butter and jelly. He needed support, real bad. Jesus, Bruce, where the fuck were you? Science bros did not just leave each other like that. 

“No, scratch that, don’t answer. Just rest.” - Tony closed the door, leaving a very confused God behind. Three seconds passed and the door flung open again, causing Loki to nearly jump out of the bed. - “And, cuz you’re gonna here for awhile. Get yourself acquainted with FRIDAY. FRIDAY, this is Lokes. Loki, this is FRIDAY. She’s kinda like my butler, well, personal assistant.”

“Greetings, sir. I am FRIDAY, how would you like me to address you?” - Tony’s AI spoke up, as polite as always.

“Just… Loki” - Loki looked around, trying to locate the source of sound. Where was this lady FRIDAY? Why couldn’t he see her? 

“Good evening, Mister Loki. I am Mr Stark’s artificial intelligence. My duty is to ensure the safety of Mr Stark and all residents of this tower. Should you have any concern, please don’t hesitate to ask, I’m always listening.” - An all-seeing and all-hearing protector, just like Heimdall. Loki didn’t know why his mind kept wandering back to Asgard, Odin had make it clear that he was never welcome back there.

“Okay, now return to your sleep Aurora. Prince Charming is not here yet.” - With that, Tony was gone, leaving Loki alone in a strange room with so many questions. 

Slowly he tried to lift his left hand to have a good look at the bandage. Loki grimaced. It did hurt, broken bones were never pleasant, even with the godly healing speed, now much more so when he was left without. Carefully dressed and sterile, anyone with eyes could see the care in it. Why? The same question that had haunted Loki ever since he woke up. He was Stark’s enemy, and this was not how you treated one. Loki truly wanted to believe that this was real. For it felt so good, to finally be cared for, to be treated as a person one more time. Yet his head protested, calling him a fool to ever fall for this trick. 

“Maybe this time things will be different.” - one voice spoke up, tender and hopeful.

“Loki Odinson, you are a disgrace. How could you proudly be named ‘God of Mischief’ when you couldn’t look through this pretty little lie?” - another voice cried out.

“Stark seems nice. Mayhaps he will help.” 

“Nice, oh yes, he is nice. Everyone was nice to you. Until you dishonored them all with your growing greed and ego, until you smeared their names with deeds so unforgivable and vile. It is you who is undeserving of any love. It is you, Loki, who is a monster.”

Voices. So many voices. Which voice should Loki hear? Which one was really his own? Or did his die, already, along with the golden life of Loki Odinson under Thanos’s feet? His head felt dizzy and dark clouds of fogginess threatened to invade. Loki tried to reach a little bit higher to touch his lips. Pale from blood loss and cracked from dehydration, but free of threads, free of chains. He had thought that never again would he be allowed to speak. He had dreaded the eternal silence that soon would devour his soul and madden his will. A tear fell as he closed both eyes, hand slided down and rested on the hollow neck. He was tired, very tired. The strange world quickly darkened. Furniture and walls faded into nothing, bringing with them the pain and the thousand voices that were dripping venom into his head. “Rest” - Stark had said, as if it was so easy. Steadily, the former God’s breath slowed down to normal, letting sleep consumed him. This time, Thanos and his army didn’t come. Instead, a woman in a golden gown reached out for him, with hair the shade of silver and eyes the color of the sea.


	7. Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7 will contain Tony’s breakdown after days without drinking. I just thought that this is inevitable, especially for an alcoholic like him. 
> 
> I’m sorry that the storyline is progressing too slowly. I really want to create a strong base for the characters. So sorry guys if you lose your patience with this one! :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for bearing with me! Your support and kind comments really make my day. 
> 
> I also apologize for taking such this long to update. It’s just that there are days when I have no motivation whatsoever to write, and there are days that I just want to rewrite everything I have written... 
> 
> Anyways, enjoy guys!

“Well, that went way better than I had expected” - Tony exclaimed as he strode to the kitchen. Food, the PTSD-and-malnourished God needed food. - “Have you stocked the fridge yet, sweetie?”.

“Already done, sir. Might I add that in Mr Loki’s current condition, I would recommend a light meal: soup, porridge, or perhaps a glass of milk. His stomach is slightly swollen, which indicates protein deficiency. Any solid food intake at the moment might trigger unwanted reaction.”

“And… besides milk, how I am gonna make the other two again?” - He wasn’t sure he knew what the ingredients were, let alone cooked them.

“I have ordered a few cans of processed soup, sir. They are in the first left cupboard.” 

“Okayyyy… let’s do this, shall we” - Tony mumbled as he took the cans out and read the labels. - “You sure these are healthy? They don’t really look healthy.”

“These cans contain the lowest amount of sodium and the highest amount of protein and fiber that I could find on the market, sir. However, as you have wondered, they are not as healthy as homemade soups.” - FRIDAY helpfully added. - “I have also downloaded a few simple recipes that you could make.” - A virtual screen appeared on the front of his fridge.

“Onion soup, nope. Tomato soup. Broccoli soup? Honestly? Bla, bla, bla. Oh, this looks good.”   
And that was the start of a 3-hour process of Tony making chicken soup for his former enemy. Who could have guessed the guy who had attempted to kill you was now lying unconscious in your guest room, and you were trying to the very best of your culinary talent to make that guy chicken soup. The result was not bad actually. The soup could use some more seasoning and improvement, still it was edible. 

Looking at the neatly placed meal on his kitchen counter, Tony’s lips curled up into a discreet smile. A flash of memories consumed the sleep-deprived engineer.

———————

“I want chicken wings, Peps. Chicken wings. I’m a grown adult. These liquid-ish food is not enough.” - Tony whined as he lied on the king’s size master bed, forcing down the wrecking coughs and sneezes. 

“The answer is no, Tony. Soup or nothing.” - Pepper put on a grim face. Knowing that if she didn’t, Mr. Ironman would get away with what he wanted. 

“You are no fun, Peps. No fun.” - Tony pretended to sulk. Both hands reached out to pull Pepper into his arms and nuzzled her hair. Fresh mint and vanilla. Her favorite perfume. The redhead gave out a small giggle, then put her arms around Tony and planted a small kiss on his lips, which caused Ironman to immediately pull back.

“Why you do that? You’re gonna be sick.” 

“Then you’re going to eat this soup and get well soon. Because I will be around for awhile.” - Pepper said as she ran her hand through his hair. 

“Then” - She stood up and straightened the suit.

“When you are well enough” - She leaned down and tucked Tony in under the blanket. Hand softly caressing his face.

“We will … ” - Words as tender as whispers found her man’s ears. Tony couldn’t hear the next part, for the warmth of her voice and scents of fresh mint clouded his mind. 

“J.A.R.V.I.S., please make sure he eats it.” - Pepper straightened up and walked out. Gosh, her body was amazing. Tony faintly heard J.A.R.’s response, and the metallic sound of the doorknob turning. Eyes never leaving Pepper and her fitting burgundy business dress. 

“Rest.” - Pepper looked back from behind the door. - “And seriously, eat it. Or I will force it down your throat.” - Then she left, with a smile enough for Tony to chuckle to himself for days. 

———————

Honestly, he didn’t really remember whether he had eaten that soup, or what it had tasted like if he had. All he could recall was the way her glowing copper hair fell lightly on the slim shoulders in the fading sun. The burgundy dress embracing every curve of her stunning figure and the silky touch of her gentle hands. He had missed them sourly. He suddenly thought of the stuffs people said as consolation to him at Pepper’s funeral. “She never goes away. She is always with you, in your heart. Watching and loving you as she has always had.”. And if his mind were to be trusted, he had told anyone who said those things to him to “fuck off”. What good were she-always-lives-in-your-heart and she-always-watches-over-you when he couldn’t feel the warmth of her presence? He wanted to have her in his arms, he wanted to spend his days with her, not remembering her. He never liked condolences. For they were nothing but lies, told by helpless adults who knew perfectly well the forbidden boundary between life and death. Because no matter how many tears were shed, only the living carried on the love and the sorrow, not the dead. 

“Sir, may I inform you that I have Director Fury on the phone for you.” - FRIDAY’s voice interrupted his trail of thoughts.

“What? Fury? Like the Fury Fury?” - Tony could faintly guess the purpose of this call. Apparently when the magic rainbow bridge showed up, it momentarily disrupted the Earth’s magnetic field and gave off quite large amounts of radiation. And SHIELD, or whatever left of it nowadays, still had some machines that could detect it. Yes, he knew his shit. Partly due to one boring board meeting that Pepper insisted him on attending. The magic bridge was definitely more interesting than stock market and sale figures. And partly due to Ultron, he accidentally came across SHIELD’s record on Thor’s first appearance in the piles of papers that they had to go through. To be honest, a small part of him was sure that it would only be a matter of time until Fury or Maria called. After New York and everything else, human finally realized how mortal and insignificant they truly were. But no matter how Tony understood the Director’s concern, Loki had to remain hidden. For his sake and Tony’s own. Thor would rip him literally into pieces should anything bad happen to his brother under his care.

“Get him on the line, FRI.” 

“How’d you doing, Stark?” - Fury’s voice filled the empty room, and Tony could immediately sense the caution in it. 

“Fury, you old bastard. Man, you are the first one to contact me in like half a year. To be honest, I’m deeply touched. How is the recruitment for new Avengers going? Anyone half as mouthy as I am? Anyone half as rich?” - He talked almost normally. Years of being a public figure did help after all.

“You know, the world always has a place for Tony Stark and Ironman. If you care to look through the news, several have demanded that you return. Not that I’m forcing you, kid. The choice is all yours.” 

“Nah, I’m too old to kick ass. The world has enough heroes already. Sorcerers, mutants, Thor, and a bunch of other guys. Besides, Black Panther’s doing a great job playing a rich guy in a suit. I’m sure they would get used to it pretty soon. Let’s just spill the beans now, Director. You ain’t here to recruit me back.”

“Suit yourself, then.” - Tony could almost see Fury making a sturgeon face. - “Well, I’m here to ask you about the appearance of the Bifrost bridge 3 days ago.” - The seriousness in Fury’s voice almost freaked Tony out. Almost. Not like he hadn’t dealt with this before.

“Yeah, Thor dropped by. We shared a few drinks. Apparently Jane told him about Pepper. “Friend Stark, be strong.”, “I’m always here for you”. You know the usual stuffs people say after a funeral. Big Blondie only said it half a year later. Oh and did you know Jane and Thor broke up. Poor kids. Loving is hurting.” 

“Anything peculiar that we should know? You happen to hear about the Tesseract or his villain brother Loki? Pick up any details that might become a threat?” - Suddenly Fury went full interrogation mode. Tony did flinch a little at the mention of Loki, though. Thank God the Director decided to call instead of making a visit.

“Woah woah. Slow down, old man. For your questions. No, he did not mention the Tesseract. And no, he did not mention bag of cats as well. That psychopath’s probably rotting in a cell somewhere right now. I told you. That was only a close meeting between two old friends. I’m out of the whole saving-the-world business.” 

“One more question.” - One-eyed big daddy was still in interrogation mode. Had Tony ever told anyone he hated agents? - “How come you are sober? Ran out of liquor? I ain’t have much but if ya need, I ain’t hesitant to share.”

Tony let out a soft chuckle. More than half a year without sarcasm, no wonder he needed wine that bad. 

“Well, FYI, one, I still have shit ton of it. Thank you. Two, y'all think Tony Stark would survive solely on wine for 6 months? Despite what supertalent you guys think I might have, I ain’t. Still need food like any mortal. I’m sober cuz your ass is lucky. 20 more minutes late and you’ll be talkin’ to FRIDAY, not me. And according to the babies I’m lookin’ at right now, please refrain from calling, texting or contacting me of any kind for the next three days.”

“Very well. That should be all we need to know.” - There was a 3-second pause before Fury continued. - “Maria said hello. She kinda misses working with a jackass who knows his shit.”

“Tell Maria I miss her too. Now I know how Matt Damon felt in The Martian. Last interaction with a human being seems like centuries ago. And please don’t say that you miss me as well. Cuz that sounds weird, and cringy things are not my things.”

“Goodbye, Stark. Until next time.” 

“Bye bye, Cyclop. Not looking forward to seeing you again!” - With that the call ended, Tony let out the biggest sigh of his entire life. Well, not biggest, more like one of the biggest. He lost count of how many times he had forced air out of his lungs since Rudolph arrived. 

“What ya say FRI? I did good?” - Tony turned to his AI as an distraction. 

“You did well, sir. I could sense no sign of suspicion in the Director’s tone. As further precautions, may I ask you to be more careful with your request for Doctor Anderson, as well as the purchase made for your guest in the future.”  
“Touche… Oh, and contact Doctor Anderson. Give him something to feed to Fury in case he reaches him as well. Almost forgot about the soup. Is our guest awake yet?” - He made a mental note of checking FRIDAY’s firewall, as well as securing the surveillance footage within his tower’s 5-mile radius. One image of the former conqueror leaked out and Fury would bury him alive. 

“Not yet, boss.” - FRIDAY replied. “And I have informed Doctor Anderson that should anyone ask, the purpose of his visit was to treat Mr. Stark for alcohol poisoning.”

Tony thought about it for a second and started to make his way to Loki’s room. Alcohol poisoning sounded pretty reasonable for a known alcoholic. Now, he needed to shift his focus back to Loki. The guy needed food, real bad. It just went beyond him how anyone or anything could manage to starve a mother effing god to that point. Loki was not exactly a public favorite but torture, and to that extent, was outright twisted. Tony couldn’t shake off the scan report FRIDAY had conducted when the former god arrived. He had thought his time with the Ten Rings in Afghanistan was bad. But compared to this, it seemed like a pleasant stroll in the park. Yes, Tony Stark was beaten and had a gun held at his head most of the time. But at least none of them touched him and forced themselves on him. At least he got in and got out of that cave with dignity intact, even kicked a few asses on the way back home. No matter how much he thought he hated the guy, he couldn’t. It was hard picturing Loki as the same vengeful god 5 years ago. 5 years was a long time, long enough for people to change who they were. 

Stepping quietly into the room, Tony placed the soup on the left night stand. The god was sleeping again, this time not plagued with night terrors or pain. Let people call him crazy, but Tony kinda preferred the old Loki. This cowering look and shivering form felt wrong. This was the guy who survived the Hulk’s wrath, and commanded the army of bigass flying aliens. Such a guy shouldn’t have flinched when being spoken to, or knotted his fingers on the bed sheet so hard that they almost bled. Somehow Tony felt guilty. Perhaps because for the last 5 years, he had thought Loki was enjoying himself in one of those Space Viking’s prison, not suffering such tremendous terror. Suddenly his thoughts wandered back to Thor. He could imagine the look on the Thunder God’s face when he came to his brother’s rescue. Big blonde guy most probably beat the shit out of Loki’s captors when he broke in. Tony knew he would have done exactly the same, if fate was kind enough to show him who, or what was responsible for Pepper’s death.

The former Ironman inhaled deeply to prevent tears that had formed in the corner of his eyes from falling. Unlike Pepper, Loki was still alive, salvable. And he knew this was his second chance of making things right again. He couldn’t save Pepper, but he could save Loki. And he could save Thor, from spiraling down the hole that Tony himself had yet to find his way out. “Just like Tantalus” - Tony thought - “Doomed to live with permanent hunger as the one thing you crave the most dangling right in front of your nose, yet could never be touched.”. 

Closing the door behind him as he walked out, Tony slumped against the ivory wall. The voices came again, this time they were angry, bitter, and plagued with pain. Voices that once had been relics of joyful memories, now spiced with venom and adorned by thorns. “You FAILED me!” - Pepper’s face turned bright red, disgust written clearly all over the eyes that had once held nothing but love. Tears fell freely as Tony clenched his fists and punched against the hard floor. He had been holding those in for the last few days. Who was he kidding? Without alcohol, a breakdown was just a matter of time. He could dully hear FRIDAY’s calming sound, asking if her boss was alright. “Could I ever be?” - Tony whispered brokenly as the sobbing took over his whole frame. Through hazy vision, the former superhero saw the empty hallway and vacant living room that, at one point, had been filled with people whom he cared for. Now he had no one. The voices and memories started to replay in his head - Rhodey’s, Pepper’s, Steve’s, Nat’s. Some of them tried to smooth his agony, while the others accused him of the most horrible crimes. “You are the Merchant of Death, and you will always be.” - Steve cried out as he stamped the iconic shield into Tony’s reactor. This time they were not alone in Siberia. So many people were there - Fury, Barnes, T’Challa, Natasha, even Vision - whose eyes just looked on as if Tony was a lowly criminal who deserved no sympathy, as if he didn’t even exist. 

Overwhelmed by the false images produced by his unstable mind, Tony scrambled quickly to a counter nearby and drank whole whatever left of an opened bottle of whiskey. The sounds and illusions soon lessened and eventually faded. Yet one voice remained. As Ironman curled up beneath the expensive-looking counter, trying to calm his breathing and stop the flowing streaks of tears, only one question circled his head - “Why does Loki get a second chance, but Pepper doesn’t?”.


	8. Every night has its dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And this turn it is Loki’s breakdown. I add a small twist on Hela and the royal family. Well, in my mind this justifies the reason why baby Jotun Loki has that dark hair, green eyes Asgardian appearance.   
> Of course, this is set before Thor: Ragnarok, but we’ll get there, I promise! 
> 
> So... enjoy!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I envy Loki’s relationship with Frigga. My heart warms up at the thought of them together.

The sun shone through the elegantly decorated windows and stirred the tired God from his sleep. A faint whine echoed in the empty room as Loki’s broken arm brushed against the brilliant white sheet, in an attempt of sitting upright. It took him a good few minutes to successfully leaned on the wooden headboard. His eyes were still unfamiliar with the light. Five years of living in darkness guaranteed to dull the sharpest of visions, and rendered any man blind. Involuntarily, his right hand raised up to protect the vulnerable irises against the golden rays. He wanted to stand up, and closed the curtains that were only a few steps away, yet his legs refused to oblige. His entire body felt like dough that had been soaked with water. He wanted to do something, anything, to stop the light from hurting his eyes, to stop this feeling of helplessness. He wanted to just cry out a sound of pain, or move for just one inch, but none of the commands were heard. It felt as though his head had been separated from the rest of his body. The sunlight became more and more unbearable each second passed, even with one hand covering above. 

“Greetings, Mr Loki. Would you like me to close the curtains for you?” - FRIDAY offered, after seeing that her boss’s guest would not be able to do it himself, nor speak up about the inconvenience. 

“Y.. Yes. Th… Thank you.” - Loki answered robotically, feeling as if he had just been woken up. The muscles on his body relaxed as the light dulled to an acceptable level. His right hand slowly lowered as the bloodshot eyes took in the strange surroundings. He was in the exact same room that he had fallen asleep earlier. “This is not a dream, then” - The fogged mind tried to process as much information as it could. “That means I’m still at Stark’s home, still at the mercy of an enemy.”. 

His thoughts ended abruptly as he saw a bowl of soup placed neatly on the left nightstand. As a reflex, Loki immediately flinched away, assuming only the worst in such kindness. “It must be poison.” - one voice spoke up - “He wishes you dead, doesn’t he. They all want you dead.”. Yes, the voice was right. They were enemies, and enemies did not show compassion to one another. Loki continued to stare at the bowl, while fingers fidgeted nervously. If it was truly poison, should he take it? Death was a reward, the Chitauri had said. There would be no more pain, no more falseness. If this was truly poison, then this was not a punishment. No, this was a prize, one that Loki had pursued almost every waking hour of the 5-year torture. Loki forced his hands to stop shaking and reached out for the porcelain bowl, gripping it tightly with both hands, as if he was holding onto a piece of drifting wood in a flood. He couldn’t help but form a small smile. At last he was rescued, at last he was at peace. 

“Remember what happened when you tried to kill yourself?” - Another voice filled his head - “Remember what they did to you when you tried to claim the reward that you did not deserve?”. Tears unconsciously fell as the past came back. If this wasn’t poison, if this was just merely a vicious jape, then… He dared not imagine what would happen. He had been caught by the Chitauri before, it was one day after the day they first forced themselves on him. He had tried to slit his throat with a sharp stone. A shiver ran down his spine, how big of a fool he had been. Loki shut his eyes tightly to prevent any flashback. His stomach gave out a loud growl, urging him to ignore the reasoning and give in to hunger. E… even if this was not a trick, could he eat without Stark’s permission? Was a full belly worth all the things that came after? The bowl threatened to spill as his grip weakened. Loki’s conscience somehow knew that Stark was different, that he truly cared. Yet his mind refused to believe, for in his thousand-year-old life span, most of what he considered to be right in the end all went wrong. The flavour filled his nostrils as Loki felt himself being torn apart by the probabilities. There it was again, the feeling of helplessness - a reminder that no matter how far he had run, a part of him would always be crawling in that dirty cell under Thanos’s feet. Suddenly he was tired, sick of all this mind games and tricks. 

Loki reasoned with himself. - “If Stark was sincere, then I would be a fool not to take anything he provides in this condition. Then if Stark wasn’t …” - There was a long pause before he continued. - “If so, then whatever my action was, there will always be pain.”. 

With that, the former God slowly held the silver spoon and tasted the soup. It was cool now, lukewarm at most, but the flavor was undeniably good, more than anything Loki could ever hope to have. The broth was well seasoned, with a bit of cilantro and some other herbs that he could not tell. Small pieces of chicken were shredded by hand, guaranteed not to irritate his weak stomach. “How long has it been since I had a decent meal, or had anyone treat me as a person.” - The God of Mischief wondered, and found himself unable to answer either. Over a thousand years old, 1053 if his mind was to be trusted, somehow Loki couldn’t figure out the purpose of his existence yet. In the younger years, learning magic had been his life’s purpose, that and being a warrior worthy of his brother’s greatness and his father’s expectation. Then both of which rotted, like an apple left forgotten, when the man, whom he had so proudly called ‘father’, told him ‘no’. Loki shook his head at the unwanted memories. Not again, not now. For years he had harboured hatred and despise toward Odin, using them as fuel to nurture his revenge, convincing himself that all had been the repercussions of Odin’s greed. But when people died, most of them were because of his own. Swallowing a few more spoonfuls of soup, Loki placed the bowl back on the previous counter. A feeling of worthlessness washed over him. 

Once, he had Mother, someone who would always stand by his side and defend him at all cost. 

———————

“You should not do this” - Loki remembered saying to her during one of her visits in Asgard’s prison, after he had been brought back by Thor, waiting for the wretched trial. 

She hadn’t said anything, not as much as raised her brows. She had simply left, only to return later and place in his hands a small wooden horse that had been his favorite toy. 

“Once upon a time, there was a young mother who gave birth to a child whom she had loved with all of her heart.” - Queen Frigga had said, with voice as soft as her lullabies. - “But, her baby, a beautiful girl with raven hair as dark as the starless night, and emerald eyes finer than any piece of jewel, was consumed by the thirst for power and domination. The mother back then was very afraid. She feared that with such ambition, her little daughter would unleash chaos onto the Nine. And as a queen, she had to put her people first. So the mother stood by as they dragged her daughter away, in chains and shackles, as they confined her little girl in the darkest of cells and locked her up forever. Only when everything had been done did the mother realise her unforgivable crime. She had let fear gotten the best of her. The mother had forgotten that before she was anyone’s queen, she had been her child’s mother.” - The Queen continued, keeping her voice from wavering. - “I remember the day Odin placed you in my arms for the first time. You were crying, but the moment your tiny fingers touched my face, the wailing stopped. And you looked up at me with eyes as green as the forest in the morning light. That was when I know you are my baby, and no matter what happen, I would always take your side. Because I have lost one child already. I’m not going to let them take one more away from me, not right now, not even if you ask me to, not until I draw my last breath.” - With that Frigga had leaned down and planted a kiss on her son’s head. The illusion had quickly faded of course, for Odin had banned his Queen from teleporting to Loki’s cell, but the kiss had been so real that for one second, the young Prince felt like a child one more time. 

———————

That was when Loki had promised to himself that he would make her proud, and he would protect her. For Frigga was the only person ever to look through his lies and see goodness underneath. Just like pretty much everything else he had done, he failed. 

His mother was killed, because he had showed that beast the way to the palace. Of course Thor never told him exactly how she died, as a punishment or protection, he could not know. “Not knowing is definitely worse” - Loki decided, for every night Frigga would die a different death in his dream, each more painful and gruesome than the last. 

He remembered her tears, how it had broken his heart, when Odin had condemned him to an eternity of imprisonment, and forbidden her from ever seeing him again. But even that did not stop her, for her love was more powerful, from reminding him that family was not always bound by blood. A small part of him was thankful that she had been gone, before Odin decided to break the last promise he had made to his wife of keeping their second son safe. Before the man he had once called father, in the hellfire rage of losing his dear wife, had given him to the Chitauri as an offering. 

He dared not imagine how she would have reacted, for he was sure if she had been there, she would have died all over again fighting for his life… 

He clenched both of his fists tightly, neglecting the sharp pain. “A murderer does not deserve such treatment” - A voice cried out in his head, as Loki gathered all the strength he had left to stand up. Every fiber in his body screamed out in agony, but the former God did not notice. All he could feel was disgust, of his own dreadful existence, of himself. Anger quickly followed, blinding his senses and the surrounding. Loki began tearing the bandages, on his arms, torso, thighs and legs, revealing inflamed wounds crisscrossing on stark white skin. The pain knocked him off his feet. The God felt his forehead collided with the bed stand, and in a few seconds of dizziness, his hands clumsily flung the bowl at the wall. Loki could see the porcelain bowl broke into hundreds of fractured pieces. That was what he did best, didn’t he? Turning beautiful artworks into ruins. He let out a hysterical laughter. 

“I AM THE GOD OF RUINS” - Loki shrieked, his mind drifting further away from the grip of sanity. 

As he reached for the dressing on the back, a pair of strong arms stopped him. Before the former God could do anything, that person held him firmly in their chest, one hand running through his hair to calm him down. Loki clutched at the strange person dearly, despite his mind’s warning, like a drowned man finally got hold of a lifebuoy. “Breathe” - Loki heard that man said. - “Just breathe. You’re safe now.”. He wanted to snort at the person, snap at him for being such a fool, tell that man to go away and leave him be. But the ex God couldn’t, fatigue washed over him. Years had passed since anyone genuinely spoke to him with such tenderness. And this person, so warm and gentle, and familiar. “Like mother.” - Loki thought, trying to focus on his breathing. A few minutes later, the hyperventilating lessened. Then his awareness came back, fingers still refusing to let go of the person’s arm. Slowly, Loki raised his head and found two tired brown eyes looking right back at him. 

“Hey there Lokes, you okay now?” - Stark asked with a sigh of relief, worry was clear in his face. The God of Mischief could not quite tell what kind of emotions he was having: embarrassment, fear, or guilt. He just knew that he had to get out of here. 

“I… S… so sorry” - Loki tried to push Stark away but to no avail. The embrace even seemed to be tighter. 

“Shhhhhhh” - Stark coddled him like a child. Carefully, the brown-haired man laid them both down on the unmade bed, hand never stopped smoothing the raven hair. Some of Loki’s wounds started to bleed again, staining the bedsheet and Tony’s shirt, yet the former superhero didn’t seem to care.

“B… but, I…” - Loki tried to break free one more time, knowing that both of them could not, should not be doing this. They were enemies, and enemies did not lay together. Or so he reasoned with himself, when deep down the God knew that it was he who did not deserve this. But the moment their eyes met again, every thought disappeared, and Loki at last knew something he had not known before.

“I understand” - Stark whispered, gently, as he placed his chin lightly on the top of his ex enemy’s head. And just like that, Loki’s tears freely fell. This was the person who saw him at his lowest and still wanted to help. This was the person who did not shun him for what he had endured. Most importantly, Stark knew, and understood, the kind of understanding that only came from experience of one’s own self. 

“Rest, Loki. Everything is alright now.” - Stark whispered faintly, for a second he almost mistook it for the wind. - “Close your eyes now, and rest.” - And so Loki did, closing his eyes and let the darkness devoured everything, the strange room, Stark, even himself. This time, sleeping didn’t sound so bad. The dreadful void and the Chitauri army did not come as usual, even the angry voices went away. 

They laid together until Loki’s thin frame stopped shaking, sobs eventually faded to hiccups and steady breaths. They rested until noon turned to night, until the only visible source of light was the thousands stars that shone dimly above. The two loners seeked comfort in each other’s presence, neither deny nor confirm the insignificant, yet rapid, changes in their heart. It was a serene slumber, dreamless and undisturbed by any ghost from the past. Mayhaps because of exhaustion, one might wonder. Or perhaps because this was the first time they understood that they were able to be saved.


	9. Are we liars in denial?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is about Loki and Tony’s true feelings, how they slowly accept the help they really need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s finally here guyssss. I’m so excited about this chapter.   
> I know it’s been some time since I last posted. I’m so sorry. Therefore there will be 2 chapters in a row this time. Enjoyyy!

Tony woke up to a feeling of numbness on his left shoulder, and it didn’t take long for the ex Ironman to figure out the cause of that. Shifting his body carefully in order not to wake the sleeping God, Tony placed a pillow under Loki’s head and crept out of the room. His legs carried him to a nearby bathroom. He didn’t know why he felt the need to freshen up, to be honest. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been this well-rested. 

“What time is it, girl?” - Tony asked. His mood was surprisingly good right now. “A good night sleep can really do wonders” - He decided, proceeding with the morning routine that had been mostly skipped in the past. Tony did look better this morning, his eyes didn’t seem as tired, even the dark circles were somewhat lighter in color. 

“Currently 3:28 in the morning, boss. Would you like to have your coffee ready?” 

“Uh huh.” - Tony hummed, his mind occupied with what had happened last night. 

———————

He had been told by FRIDAY that “it’s an emergency, boss.”. But when he finally got there, he realised that calling whatever had been happening in that room “an emergency” was a huge tone down. Loki was practically tearing himself apart. Bandages were all over the floor, blood was running slowly down the skinny frame in every wound, giving the guy a feral, bloody look. And his screams, Tony couldn’t quite forget it, it was filled with anguish and despair. It sounded almost inhuman. “Like a beast” - Tony thought, fixing his eyes on the guest in front of him. For a fleeting second, he was afraid. The madness in Loki’s eyes, he had seen it before… 5 years ago to be exact. So consumed by the sudden thoughts about New York that Tony didn’t realise he had taken a step back. He wanted to run away, hands slightly quivered as he remembered what he had gone through in the Invasion - how JARVIS had bid him goodbye then shut down, how the alien’s ships had blown up to pieces with the nuke he had redirected… Tony could feel his airway constricted a little, making it harder for him to focus. 

“I AM THE GOD OF RUINS” - Loki’s screech immediately snapped him back to reality. Looking at the God who was laughing hysterically, Tony knew that this was not the Loki of 5 years ago. No, this was the Loki that had been used and abused, the Loki that he had sworn to Thor that he would protect. Bolted to the skinny man’s side, he wrapped his hands tightly around the taller guy and held him in his chest, preventing any more dressing from being torn. 

At first that was all he had intended to do. But then, it hit him… the comforting warmth of another body, the soft feeling of human flesh… It had been so long since he had someone in his life. It was almost overwhelming, like receiving a surprise party on your birthday when even you had forgotten about it yourself. “He’s just as human as I am…” - Ex Ironman stated, as if he had just made the biggest scientific discovery of all time. FRIDAY’s scan about Loki’s injuries appeared on his mind. The guy, after all, was just like him, vulnerable and weak…, and he needed his help. At this point, all thoughts of walking out on Loki felt so wrong to him. A small part of Tony’s conscience even experienced something similar to guilt. His mind unintentionally wandered back to Pepper, the way she had soothed his night terrors and pain. He remembered how she had held him in her arms and just like that, everything had gotten better. 

And so he held Loki in his arms the same way Pepper had so often done to ease him. The former hero snuggled against the small frame, trying his best to let the panicking person knew that he was not alone. He smoothed the God’s hair, even whispered kind words to calm down the fast breathing. He gently laid him and Lokes on the bed, cradled him like his fiancée had once done. And when Loki tried to struggle free from his grip, Tony wouldn’t let him. For he himself had tried to break free from Pepper’s arms several times, and every time he had been held back. Even when Loki’s eyes, packed with confusion and hurt, looked up at his, he only tenderly replied “I understand”. Because Tony really did, he saw his old self in this broken shell of a man. And because that was what his ginger had once murmured softly in his ears, anytime he had woken up short-breathed and pained. 

So they laid together, until the sobs eventually ceased and dried up, until them both were lured to the most peaceful slumber, soundly in each other’s embrace. Before sleep entirely took over, Tony felt a bit of happiness flicked in his heart, like the first spark of light that soon would turn to a wildfire. Of course the ex Ironman knew that it was selfish. But with Loki’s body nearby, he could almost fool himself into believing that perhaps… Pepper had never really left. 

———————

“Boss, the coffee is ready.” - FRIDAY’s voice brought Tony back from yesterday’s flashback. 

“Thanks, Fri.” - Drying his face with a small towel, Tony stepped out of the bathroom. Lokes was still sleeping, stirring slightly whenever the opened wounds got too uncomfortable. He was thankful for that, not wanting to deal with whatever-would-happen this soon for 2 reasons. One was that he didn’t know how Loki would react. The other was he didn’t know how to feel about this. Of course he had been glad to be able to calm Loki down and prevent anymore damage. But he also took advantage of the guy. When he had held the injured God in his arms, he had fooled himself into believing that it was Pepper. He knew that it was twisted, and wrong on so many levels. But Tony just couldn’t help himself. 

Letting out a shaky sigh, Tony headed to the kitchen for coffee, letting the caffeine clearing his mind and thoughts. If only he could just stop pretending Lokes for Pep… But he couldn’t. For a very long time, he had not been able to share his bed with anyone else other than her. This was partly why he chose to drink the sorrow away, instead of whoring his way out of sadness like he had done after his parents’ death. 

“I think you might need to return to your guest.” - FRIDAY said, not even bothered to tell him the reason, nor did he really need one. He had kinda hoped that this would come a little later, not comfortable enough to talk about last night yet, especially when there was still so much to figure out. 

————————

The piercing pain on the back forced Loki to jerk awake. Looking around for any sign of danger, a habit he had taken up for obvious reasons, the former God let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He was alone in the same darkened room in which he had fallen asleep hours ago. It was still dark outside, his guess was either nighttime or very early in the morning. 

Pushing himself up into a sitting position, mostly with his weight on the headboard, Loki wondered about Stark and the previous incident. The guy was nowhere to be found, and judging from the torn bandages, he had made quite a scene yesterday. Some of the small cuts looked inflamed, probably from being reopened. One broken toe and finger seemed to bend a bit more awkward than the rest. Fortunately, the major ones didn’t look the worse for wear, especially those on his back. 

‘Had Stark not come…’ - Loki lingered on the thought, unable to find an answer. Had Stark not come, would he have ruined himself in a moment of blind rage? Would he have slipped further from the grip of sanity, falling for the voices that plagued his mind? Or perhaps it would have been better for both if Stark hadn’t, as neither would have been vulnerable in the eyes of the other. Loki was overwhelmed by the ambivalence in emotions. A touch of warmth, an embrace of comfort, how he had longed for those things. How he had cherished each feverish illusions of home and mother to escape even a second of the dark cold cell. Yet Stark had given him it all, without any demand or punishment. The brown-eyed man had shown him tenderness and compassion, and never in his life would Loki expect that, Stark too, understood. The former God knew that he shouldn’t have softened at the memories of strong arms that had held him through the night, or the notion that he was not alone in this game of torture. He knew he was not supposed to feel it. But how could a man lost in the desert refuse water? How could a beggar say no to food?

“Hey, Reindeer Games.” - Stark’s sudden appearance nearly gave him a panic attack.

“Could you stop that? And by the Nine, what does it even mean?” - Loki scolded, trying to even his breathing. From here, Stark looked well enough though, if one could overlook the wrinkled T-shirt and casual sweatpants. 

“Grumpy, aren’t we?” - Tony smiled, a bit glad to see this side of Loki once again. - “Since you’re awake, let’s give your bandages a look.” - He could sense that the God’s eyes studied him suspiciously, yet he chose to ignore. It would take quite a lot of time for Loki to get used to the presence of another being again, especially at such close range.

Tony went to retrieve the first aid kit, and proceeded to sit on the bed, with enough space between them in order not to make Loki uncomfortable. 

Stupid Tony. Stupid bandages. As if he couldn’t just change them when Lokes was asleep. He had come with the intention to talk about last night. But the moment he saw Loki, the words froze in his mouth. How could he say “It was a mistake. I sleep with you because my mind thought you were my girlfriend” to that guy? Despite the reputation of being heartless, he did care about people. It was his way of showing it that often made others misunderstood. 

“May I see them?” - It took a few seconds before the God raised his left arm in Stark’s direction. Without hesitation, Tony gently held the too-thin arm in one hand and started cutting the torn dressings off. The sight of scissors caused Loki to flinch quite violently at first, but it soon stopped as the former hero held his arm firmly in place, a reminder that he was not alone and hurt any longer. Then the antiseptic was applied and carefully covered by new bandages. Tony was slow and caring, stopping every time he heard even the slightest whimper. Loki never took his eyes off the former enemy, feigning indifference while his emotions broke loose between each kind touch.

They both sat silently as Tony repeated the same process with Loki’s other arm, torso, back, and both of his legs. It seemed to take quite a while. For when Tony finished, the world beyond had turned blush with a red dot sitting perched on the horizon. 

“Morning at last.” - He said, more like a whisper to himself. He had not seen many sunrises before, mainly because he had slept or worked through most of them. But he remembered the last sunset he had witnessed. It was from his Malibu home, how red and gold had been painted across the ocean by the lights of a dying star. Grief and guilt had sunken him to his feet that day, burden him with weights as heavy as the Earth itself. But this time, it felt different. Tony could no longer feel the bulk. For once, he allowed himself to let go, of the loathing and guilt that he had harbored. 

Lokes was resting when Tony turned to him, eyes closed, and clearly tired from the pain. With the stained dressings replaced, he seemed to be in better shape now. The ex Ironman figured that it would be best to just leave his guest alone for the moment. Up till now, life had been quite rough on the guy, he sure as hell didn’t need an audience. 

“Thank you.” - He stopped as soon as Loki spoke up. - “For everything that you shouldn’t have concerned yourself with.” 

He didn’t know how to reply. 

“Uhm… yeah. That’s nothing, Lokes. Anyone would do the same thing.” - That was a few words his mind could put together.

“No. Not anyone.” - With that, Loki opened his eyes to meet his host’s gaze. It was the very first time Tony had a chance to observe them - a pair of breathtakingly gorgeous eyes. How they sharply contrasted with his raven hair and seemed too big above the sunken cheeks. And they were green, not blue like those in the footage, the kind of green that poets praised and songs written for. Yet, there were something in those eyes that bothered Tony greatly, whether it was the profound melancholy or how his pupils were static like those of dead men, he did not know. 

“I also wish to apologize for last night.” - Loki said hurriedly, not knowing the person in front of him was silently chanting “fuck”, as if the word could somehow stop whatever would unfold. 

“My… unpleasant flashbacks have proven to be quite a disturbance from time to time, and last night was no less than such. Should they happen again, I would try my best to control them. I promise that they won’t interfere with you or your routine. I am so sorry for last night. I am…” - At this point, Lokes was more or less panting.

“I don’t mind.” - Tony quickly said, interrupted his guest before he passed out. Then it was Loki’s turn to look at him as if he had grown another head. 

“I mean, yeah, they can be quite annoying. But it wasn’t like you could control them or anything. Besides, I promise Thor that I would take care of you, consider last night as part of the package. And most importantly, I don’t mind.”

Silence filled the room as both men found themselves speechless. For a second, Tony was unnerved, what if the words had come out differently from what he intended? What if it was him that had freaked the other out? On the bed, Loki averted his eyes downwards, trying to process the words that Stark had said. Was it a trick perhaps, a pitiful illusion, a bait waiting for him to take? He wanted to believe them so badly, knowing that not in another thousand lifetimes would he ever hear them again. 

“I… I will just go.” - Finally Tony whispered. His legs carried him to the door, steps heavy with defeat. It was supposed to be a simple talk and he had screwed things up again. A part of him wished to exit the room quickly to put an end to whatever was happening. Another part begged him to stay, hopeful to get so much as a reaction from the thin man. 

“You should have…” - Loki spoke quietly, his voice as thin as mist in the first rays of sunlight. It was deep, yet frail and raspy from lack of use, resembling a forest fire on rainy day, deprived of its capability of destruction. 

Tony heard him; though he pretended otherwise and continued walking out. A small smile formed on the middle aged face, unbeknownst to all except himself.


	10. Are we smoke without the fire?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little Loki is falling for Tony, of course not very obviously.   
> This chapter marks the beginning of a lot of things for my two favorite characters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recommend reading chapter 10 while listening to “Picking up the pieces” of Paloma Faith. I almost cried when I did.

A week later, then two, then three, all passed in peace as they both let that night slide from their minds. Slowly Loki regained his strength, at mortal’s rate of course. A few small steps at first, until he could stand without having to hold on to anything. Weeks later, he could walk again, after a thousand slips and falls. Although a short trip from his bedroom to the kitchen could easily leave him out of breath, Loki persevered. For at least while trying, a part of him felt like his old self again, the self that had turned all the adversities thrown his way into opportunities and power. Of course the former God never failed to notice that a certain mortal would always show up by his side any time his knees buckled. And when the nightmares reappeared, a certain mortal would hold him gently and shoo them away with tender assurances. They never mentioned the nightly visits, though, not so much as acknowledged it. He could sense that both of them, or at least himself, were afraid, fearing that the visits would disappear the way shampoo bubbles would if addressed. 

Weeks had passed since he first arrived at Stark’s residence, 14 to be exact, all battered and bloodied. Most of his wounds had healed since then, the broken bones had mended and bandages removed. All that time, he had been cared for by his former enemy, by someone whose presence shouldn’t have filled him with warmth and comfort. Little by little, Loki felt his chest fluttered at the sight of a particular dark-haired man. On some really bad days when his dreams were tainted with memories of a painful past, he wouldn’t feel as terrified as he had been, for every time two strong arms would gather him close. The God certainly wouldn’t show the other person his feelings, yet he could not help himself from yearning for Stark whenever he wasn’t around. 

There were nights that Loki would not sleep a wink due to terrors even though Stark had laid nearby. He would lay quietly and force his breathing to slow down to the pace of that of his host. Sometimes in the middle of the night, Stark would call out a woman’s name, Pepper, if Loki’s mind were to be trusted. Sometimes, he would talk in his sleep, crying and begging for “Pepper” not to leave him alone. And some nights, only when Tony was drunk, he would hold Loki tight, whispering “I love you” all over and over again, and thanking him for not going away. These were the times that Loki felt his heart sunken, for he knew it wasn’t him that Stark had caressed and loved, it was her. Yet he never avoided the touch, though fully aware that it was meant for someone else.

In order to occupy his free time in the morning, Loki had been given several books and a secured tablet, “to keep you from plotting another world domination”, Stark had joking said. One time he had used it to look up about the woman. Knowing that whoever this “Pepper” was, she had to be a famous person as well, Stark loved her for the Nine’s sake, of course she was. Images and news about the explosion filled the screen, someone even uploaded a video with Ironman flying straight from the sky to that damaged building. There were several articles concerning the event, several opinions and comments. But they had one thing in common: all agreed that after the “Istanbul mishap”, Ironman would retire. Loki guessed they were right, for ever since he stayed here, not once had Stark headed out for missions. As he scrolled down, he came across a picture of “Pepper”. Her name was Virginia Potts, CEO of Stark Industries, and his fiancée, their wedding was only 2 months away from the accident. She was beautiful, Loki thought, the kind of beauty that was implanted in people’s minds, with her red hair, blue eyes and sharp features. Now he knew why, disappointment clear in his eyes, he knew why Stark had come to his room and offered comfort. 

In another life, Loki the Prince of Asgard had a wife, too. Her name was Sigyn, and she had been taken from him in the cruelest way, willingly trading her life for his. It had been his punishment, to be chained at the rocks under a mountain, tortured by the venom dripping down onto his body for eternity. She had stayed by his side, catching each drop of venom to prevent him from suffering. She had dutifully tended to his every need when she could have left and started a new life with someone who deserved her. Loki remembered that he had told her to go, to leave him, but never once had she complied. Until one day, he was free, of the chains that had cut into his wrists and the poison that had rotten his flesh. Only to discover that Sigyn had traded her life. The last time she had left his side to empty the poison bowl, she had not returned. Instead she had gone to the Norns, the three maiden of fate who lived in the Well of Urd at the bottom of the Yggdrasil, to strike a deal, her life for the rest of the eternity that had been his punishment. And her wish had been granted. Loki did not remember much after it, except that he had slept with as many women and men as he could possibly have, to make up for the warmth of his dear wife, to compensate for the nights that he had woken up with a guilt-ridden heart. 

To Stark, he was just that, a replacement for his fiancé, something to fill up the hole she had left behind in his heart. Loki almost chuckled, he reaped exactly what he had sown. Even though he knew Stark was not to blame, for it had cost him 100 years to get over Sigyn, the former God felt his chest tightened. The last 3 months had been nothing but falsehood. No, not falsehood, just delusions that he himself had woven up, like a spider caught in his own webs of lies. It made sense, though, why would Stark want to lay with him willingly, why would anyone want to mingle themselves with such a monster as he was. That night, and the nights after that when the terrors came, Loki forced himself stay quiet, not wanting to fall any further for a man who wouldn’t give a damn about him. Even when FRIDAY asked if he wished to call Mr Stark after waking up sobbing and short of breath, Loki refused. Despite knowing perfectly well that until the morning came, he would be alone with nothing on his mind but deaths of the people whom he had wronged.

———————

“Hey! Are you well, Loki? Do you hear me?” - Stark’s shout startled him (had he drifted off again?).

“Yes, I’m right here. No need to shout.” - Loki faked a frown of annoyance, trying to hide the fact that he had not been paying much attention. The movie on the ridiculously large screen was still rolling, showing the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Damn Stark and his “Earth Cultural Nights”. 

“You’re sure? You look very pale, Rudolph. Didn’t sleep well? Strange, FRIDAY hasn’t told me about your nightmares for a while. Thought you somehow get over them already.” - Stark’s eyes made him uncomfortable. 

“I’m fine. Now would you shut up, I’m watching.” - This week had been hard to him with less than 15 hours of sleep, and having someone rambling on was not exactly of much help. 

“FRIDAY, pause the movie. There, you won’t miss anything. Now answer my question.” - Loki noticed that Stark had switched on his Ironman voice mode. 

“I’m fine. A bit tired, but overall fine. FRIDAY, please continue the movie.” 

“Override. Honestly, I kinda expect better from a God of Lies, well, former God of Lies. And you know damn well that wasn’t my question. Need I repeat it?” - Tony was annoyed by now, he didn’t like asking more than once. 

“Fine! I sleep well enough, if you must know.” - Loki’s patience was running thin.

“For fuck’s sake just cut the bullshit.” - Tony’s was even thinner. 

“If you don’t believe me then why by the Nine did you ask in the first place?”

“Because I never would have guessed that you would choose be a total pain in the ass instead of just answering my simple question.” - They were both shouting at this point, more angry than irritated. 

“I thought you said I’m a guest here, Stark, not your prisoner. So excuse me when I say I’m under no impression that I’m compelled to respond to any of your inquiries.” 

“Ever thought that this may be the reason why everyone gave up on you? Because you lash out at them anytime they show their concerns?”

“I don’t need your concerns or any more lies that you, or Thor, or anyone else wishes to offer. Yes, I do know why people give up on me. Because I’m a monster, Stark. So it’s best that you keep your concerns to yourself only, no need to waste them on the like of me.” - The former God stormed off, trying all his might not to show weakness. 

“Yeah! Run. Hide. That’s what you do best, don’t you?” - Tony shouted, out of frustration or disappointment, he couldn’t tell. 

————————

By the time Loki reached the room, his breathing had gone irregular. ‘It was all Stark’s faults.’ - He bitterly thought, filling his head with anger to drown out the voices that was threatening to resurface. - ‘A goddamn moron’, ‘an entitled prick who treats people like dirt.’ Yet the words sounded so alien, even to his own ears, for deep down the God knew he didn’t believe in any of them. 

All of the sudden, the bed seemed so distant and his legs felt weak. Collapsed on the wooden floor, Loki chuckled dryly. He didn’t know what to feel anymore, he didn’t know what to think. Exasperation, pain, despair, all had gone and been replaced by numbness.

“Are you alright, Mr Loki? Would you wish to call for Mr Stark?” - FRIDAY spoke up. She must have sensed his heartbeats and associated it with a panic attack. 

“I’m fine, FRIDAY. Thank you.” - It was an automatic response.

“You have had less than 15 hours of sleep in the past 5 days, sir. Are you certain you do not require assistance?” - She sounded awfully like Stark at this point.

“Yes FRIDAY, I’m certain. Also, please don’t inform Stark about any of my attacks in the future. I do not wish to disturb him.” - To this, FRIDAY didn’t reply, but he was sure she understood. 

‘I do not wish to disturb him’. Pretty words only hid pathetic lies underneath. ‘I do not wish to disturb him’. As if Stark would have allow himself to be disturbed by him. For a known God of Deception, his attempts at lying lately had been somewhat rusty. 

‘You care for him, puny Prince. You fall for the trap of a mortal.’ - One voice screeched, mocking him of his weakness. - ‘Do you believe he would lay eyes on you? Do you think he would cast his muse aside for your sake?’ 

Loki curled up in a fetal position, eyes blank and static. Of course not, he thought, he could never rival Stark’s lover, someone who had so much life and energy, stunning beauty and kind soul. “And a woman.” - The former God remarked absentmindedly. But it didn’t matter, none of it did. Soon he would have to leave, the big oaf would return and bring him away from here. Soon their paths would part and never again cross. The thought both eased and upset him, for a reason he was fully aware of yet would not admit. A small smile crept across the handsome face, still too thin to be considered healthy. ‘At least loss is what I’m familiar with…’ - The thought ended abruptly, leaving an aftertaste that was far too broken for a Norse God.

And so the lost Prince whispered. - “Mask this pitiful sentiment with contempt and resentment.” - And so he said. - “In no time, this would be gone.”

He reiterated the words like a command, oblivious to a single tear drop that had shattered like crystal upon contact with the dark wooden floor. 

————————

“Some music, please.” - Tony said as he tossed the tablet away, too preoccupied to focus on anything. Freaking Loki and temper tantrums. He was trying to be nice, and somehow that ended up with him being yelled at. Seconds later, The Beatles filled the room, easing partly the tension on both of his temples. 

“Boss, you have one new voicemail from Colonel Rhodes. Should I play it?” - FRIDAY calmly informed. 

“No. I mean, yes. Play it. Actually, play all of them. How many are there that I haven’t read? 20?” - He guessed listening to some old messages was better than thinking about the previous conversation. 

“You currently have 57 unchecked voicemails, sir. 32 of which belong to the Colonel. May I play them in chronological order?”

“Uh huh.”

10 months and 17 days ago.  
From: James Rhodes  
Message: Hey Tony! I heard the news. What is going on man? What happened? Is Pepper okay? Call me soon.

10 months and 17 days ago  
From: Nick Fury  
Message: Contact us Stark. We need to know what is going on. 

10 months and 17 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: Where the fuck are you? Contact me NOW. I need to know that you and Pep are safe, man.

10 months and 17 days ago  
From: Natasha  
Message: Hey Tony. It’s me Nat. We need to see you. Call back soon okay!

10 months and 17 days ago  
From: Happy  
Message: Hi boss. Are you and Miss Potts okay? Where are you?

10 months and 17 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: You are not at the tower. Where are you Tony? We’re worried sick! Answer the fucking phone. 

10 months and 16 days ago  
From: Unknown  
Message: Hello Mr Stark. It’s me Peter. Sorry for calling you on your personal phone. Are you okay? Mr Hogan worries about you a lot.

10 months and 16 days ago  
From: James Rhodes  
Message: You good man? Jesus I’ve called you 32 times already. Why doesn’t FRIDAY let me through? I can’t go to your floor.

10 months and 15 days ago  
From: James Rhodes  
Message: You’re scaring us Tony. Stop hiding. We are here for you.

10 months and 13 days ago  
From: James Rhodes  
Message: Are you okay buddy? FRIDAY still won’t let me through, and you haven’t answered any of my calls. I know you’re upset but please meet me.

10 months 13 days ago  
From: Happy  
Message: It’s me Happy, boss. I’m so sorry… Meet you at the company tomorrow?

10 months and 12 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: FUCKING CALL ME! Goddamn it Tony. Am I not your best buddy? Please man… 

10 months and 10 days ago  
From: Unknown  
Message: Hi Tony, it’s Steve. I’m so sorry for your loss. Nat is concerned about you, please call us. 

10 months and 10 days ago  
From: James Rhodes  
Message: Hey bro, Fury and Hill came this morning. They wanted to know if you’re okay. Don’t shut me out… 

10 months and 9 days ago  
From: James Rhodes  
Message: It has been 131 calls already Tony, and you answer none of them.... Rogers and his team just called, they asked about you… 

10 months and 9 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: Now you block my number? Honestly? Is this how you’re gonna play this game? 

10 months and 8 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: Fine! I don’t even need to call you to give you shit. I swear to God if you don’t answer me this instance, I don’t care if you ban me, I’m gonna go after your ass. 

10 months and 7 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: I’m sorry… Just give me something, dude. I can’t stand this silence. 

10 months and 7 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: Pepper’s funeral is in 2 days at your company. Hope I could see you there.

10 months and 6 days ago  
From: Happy  
Message: Hi boss. I’ll be at your place at 8 to pick you up okay? The ceremony starts at 9.

10 months and 5 days ago  
From: Happy  
Message: I’m here boss. Come down please.

10 months and 5 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: The ceremony is in 25 minutes Tony. Please come… I know you wouldn’t want to miss it.

10 months and 5 days ago  
From: Happy  
Message: Hi boss. It’s nearly 10 am. I know it’s late but surely they wouldn’t mind. Please come down, we still can make it.

10 months and 5 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: I’m gonna ask you one last time you asshole. Are you coming or not? This is her funeral man… Don’t do this to her… 

“S… stop.” - His voice was thick with emotions. He couldn’t… No… It was too real. Slowly standing up on shaky legs, Tony headed for the wine cabinet. Yes. He wanted to be drunk. This was too damn much… Gulping the liquor down quickly, he could feel his tongue burning and each breath becoming heavier. ‘Good. Soon all would be numb’ - Tony thought. - ‘Soon I will remember nothing.’ Could he ever? Anger boiled inside him, like a volcano awaiting its eruption, as the answer became clear. 

“Never” - The former hero bitterly murmured. - “I would never be free.” - He could feel rage building up in his head, with its monstrous tentacles reaching deep into every single one of his neurons. He could sense revulsion and desperation, dancing like lighting and thunder on a stormy night, tearing the sky apart every time they kissed. There were also guilt, sorrow, and many other feelings that he couldn’t quite put a name to. 

They urged him to do something: screamed, punched the nearest object, or set everything on fire. But Tony heeded to none of the false whispers. Instead, he just sat there, head tilted, and back slumped against the wall. He could feel his temperature rising, small beads of sweat were already forming on his arms and legs. Yet he kept drinking, as if it was his sole purpose of surviving, eyes a thousand miles away.

“Please refrain from consuming too much alcohol, sir. Your heartbeat has greatly accelerated.” 

“In fact, read the rest of the voicemails for me darling… No, second thought, just Rhodey’s…” - Tony slurred, already tipsy. 

10 months and 4 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: You asshole. Can’t believe you didn’t come. Satisfied? Happy had to wait 4 hours for you, and no reply whatsoever… This is not you, man…

10 months and 1 day ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: Hey, I’m sorry about what I said earlier. I was angry… Show up, Tony. We can’t fix this without you. 

10 months ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: Well, I have a therapy session today. I could stand again, thanks to the legs that you designed. Just… thought that you would want to know.

9 months and 2 days ago   
From: James Rhodes   
Message: Hi Tony, still me. Hope that you’re okay. Just want to tell you that I can walk again today… Uhm, see ya I guess.

8 months and 25 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: Got the notice from FRIDAY. She told me that you wanted me to… leave? Call me please Tony. What is happening? 

8 months and 25 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: Are you seriously going to shut me out like that? Through FRIDAY? Don’t even bother to tell me yourself? Am I not your friend anymore?

8 months and 22 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: I guess you still don’t want to see me hah… If you change your mind, I’m with Steve. You know the numbers. 

7 months and 28 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: Hey! Happy called me yesterday. He said that some of your business partners set up memorial stones for Pepper in Central Park. The guys and I intend to visit it tomorrow. You’re welcome to join us. 

7 months and 2 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: Hi Tony! Actually there’s nothing special. I just want to see how my friend is doing… I miss you, man. 

6 months and 22 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: Hey! I’m making progress with the therapy, if you want to know. Really hope to have you here… 

6 months and 10 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: Hey man! Just want you to know that I’m doing great. Steve and his team want to meet you a lot. Oh and Nat says hi. Anyways, Vision is now dating Wanda. If you’re here right now, I know you would definitely say “told ya”…

4 months and 3 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: Sup buddy! Sorry for taking such a long time. Apparently Ross found out that Steve and the gang were using the Avengers HQ, and decided to make a fuss about it. Everything is good now. A few hearings and one or two trips to Capitol Hill, you know the shit. So yeah, we’re all fine… Contact me… please.

3 months and 27 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: Just want to say that I’ve fully recovered from the injury. Yes, it is an extremely good news. And yes, I’m so gonna be War Machine again, baby. You remember King T’Challa? The guy in catsuit? Well man, he’s got some real shit in technology. Your silly ass would be green with jealousy when you see my new legs - all Vibra baby! Well, I’m gonna repeat this one more time: Contact me please. I miss you Tony. We all do…

3 months and 12 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: I heard that Fury needs to speak to you. Are you okay man? They said something about Thor showing up. Is everything alright?

3 months and 1 day ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: I don’t know if we’re still friends Tony. I’ve been reaching out to you ever since… and you never answer… not once. But Fury could? Seriously man? What happens to “best buddies” and everything? Maybe I should just stop with all of this stupid voicemails… 

1 month and 13 days ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: I know you never listen, and most probably never will. But I just want to say that I understand. I’m such an idiot right. Keep pushing you to open up to me when the one thing you need is time. So, Tony, take all of the time you need. Just… please remember that we’re always here to help. 

22 minutes ago  
From: James Rhodes   
Message: It’s me again. Just leaving my regular voicemail, nothing special. I hope that you’re alright. Well, things have been quite messy here, to be honest. Ross pulled some strings to put pressure on Clint and Scott’s families. That old bastard, terrorizing small children is like his goddamn hobby. That also means that I’m caught up in a huge pile of paperwork to sort this shit out. Anyways, gotta go now. See ya till the next one. 

“That is everything, boss.” - FRIDAY dutifully informed.

“Tha… thanks Fri.” - Tony tried his hardest to find his voice again, too broken and exhausted to realise that he had become a sobbing mess. Tears and liquor blurred his eyesight, everything in the grand living room was now spinning and blending into one. He felt unworthy, having been too caught up in his own pain to realise he had also inflicted the same thing on his family. In a pathetic attempt of getting up on his feet, Tony knocked the wine bottle over, spilling the golden liquid all over. His desire for drinking had suddenly vanished.

“Now now Tony, what have I told you about drinking on the floor?” - A small voice broke the heavy silence. 

“Pe… Pepper?” - No, this couldn’t be true. - “You’re… here?” - Tony took a step forward, blinking away the dizziness to see the figure ahead more clearly. It had to be hallucination, right? 

“I thought you promised me to drink more responsibly, baby. Now look at you.” - Pepper chided him softly, voice as gentle as he had remembered. It was as if she had never left, Tony thought, the way her hair fell perfectly on either side of her shoulders, the way her lips curled up to form a smile…

“I thought… you… that you had…” 

“I never left, Tony. I have always been with you.” 

“But… you did… the explosion. No, no…” - His eyes were now burning with unshed tears. The explosion was real, wasn’t it? It had to be, for the pain he carried had been killing him inside out. He was torn between reality and the twisted figment of his imagination, which one was true, he couldn’t tell. 

“I am here, Tony.” - The lady with auburn hair gently spoke, and with it all of Tony’s doubts simply ceased to be. ‘This is real. She is real.’ - He assured his hazy mind, too tired and happy to deny the existence of his fiancée any longer. - ‘At least right now she is, even if…’ - The part ‘it is only in my head’ was left unaddressed, intentionally. 

“Let’s get you to bed, sleepyhead.” - The brightest smile was seen on her face as Pepper turned around and walked away, beckoning him to follow her. And Tony did, too smashed to do anything else. He never thought the small walk between the common area and his room would require this many steps. The former hero didn’t know how he could possibly manage to trip over his own feet so many times that his knees almost buckled when the bedroom door was in eyesight. Tony lost count of how many times he stumbled. He just knew that he had to keep going, because he couldn’t let Pepper get out of his sight again. For the last time he did, she had been taken away. 

So when she entered the room, he immediately called for FRIDAY to open the door and went along.

In this state of intoxication, Tony didn’t see how his fiancée had evaporated like water in the blazing sun the moment her graceful frame came into contact with the door, like vapour on a summer day. He didn’t understand FRIDAY’s questions, only his AI’s last few words made sense to him, something about whether he would like her to notify the guest, to which he almost snorted. ‘Pepper is not a guest.’ - He thought. - ‘FRIDAY must have some bugs in her system. Understandable, though. Been a century since I last checked.’. He also failed to notice that the door he had entered wasn’t the color of navy blue which Rhodey had chosen for him in a stupid bet, but dark brown like dozens of those specifically reserved for guests and teammates. And if the brown haired man was sober enough to look to his right, he would find the door of exact blue color across the small hall. 

Then again, had Tony been sober, none of the following would happen and he wouldn’t fall headfirst into this abyss of confusion and misunderstanding. But like they said, “sometimes the only way up is down”.


	11. Was it hell or high water that broke our hearts?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first sex scene I’ve ever written is finally here guys!!!   
> Warning: porn with plot.  
> It sure is getting steamy in this chapter. XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, it’s me Skye. I just want to say that thank you for your support and kind comments. Even though it always takes forever for me to update new chapters, you guys never give up on me and this work. <3
> 
> Please enjoy!

The sudden change of light jolted Loki awake from his restless slumber. He was quick to spot the opened door and cursed silently. Sleep had not come easy to him, and being interrupted in a few rare minutes of it definitely irritated the former God to great extent. Yet annoyance was instantly replaced by a newfound puzzlement the moment his eyes landed on the figure ahead. 

‘Stark? What in the Nine is he doing here?’ - Loki dared not speak, only waiting patiently for the shorter man to make his first move. From the way he looked, Stark was undoubtedly drunk, and he didn’t know whether it was a good thing. 

Just as he had predicted, Tony immediately lurched forward toward his direction, one staggering step at a time. The God froze on his bed, mind running through millions of reasons to explain why his host was here, yet none of them made any sense. ‘Three more steps’ - He counted. - ‘Two and Stark will be right here’ - Loki involuntarily raised his arms, for a split second, he was back in the cold dark cell. - ‘One’ - And he was pushed back onto the satin bedsheet. - ‘The guards, no… Help’. - He choked back a whimper, they didn’t like it when he screamed… 

There was something on his lips, something he thought that he would never taste again. A kiss. 

‘The Chitauri never kissed. This is not one of them.’ - Deep breaths slowly cleared away the dark thoughts. - ‘This person is Stark.’

Before he could continue, there was another one, and another, each just as tender and sweet as the first. The type of kiss that you planted upon the rosy lips of a young maiden in one of the shadowed coves around the royal garden. The type of kiss that a monster such as himself did not deserve. But how could he resist when Stark’s mouth contained the passionate heat of a lover, and he touched him like the most precious treasure of all. Shivers ran down Loki’s spine as his host’s hand reached for the buttons of his shirt. 

‘No…’ - His subconsciousness tried to reason but to no avail. The smell of alcohol was overwhelming, drowning out any thoughts of denial in him. Mayhaps he was drunk too, neck deep in the selfish illusions.

Soon the shirt was tossed aside to reveal a bare chest that was marred with crisscrossing scars and burn marks. He was afraid at first, fearing to see disgust on the shorter man’s face. Yet it never happened, instead Tony’s mouth was all over his torso, trailing along the sharp curves of his collarbone and jawline. They followed each other’s rhythm, returning each breathless kiss with one much deeper than the last. Low moans escaped Stark’s throat as he got rid of his own t-shirt. Despite everything that had happened, Ironman was still pleasant to look at. A year of utter negligence had not quite erased the evidence of a well-built body. Loki felt Tony’s hands on his waist, hot touch against pale cold skin. ‘He is good.’ - He thought, suppressing a gasp as Stark reached for his rear cheeks and gave them a playful squeeze. Seconds later, there were hands below his abdomen, fumbling to unzip the zipper that held his pants in place. 

The God froze. Memories of the life that he had once led, the life of a Prince of Asgard, suddenly came back to him. Back then, he would have yanked off all piece of clothing the moment their lips were locked. Back then, there would have been no hesitation, no fear, just pure lust and satisfaction. ‘But that person is gone.’ 

Phantom sensation of the cold stone floor overwhelmed his senses. For one second, Loki heard the vicious laughter, and the person above him was no longer Stark with his tender kisses, it was them. Metallic flesh that conveyed no warmth digged deep into his skin and drew blood. - ‘ And their mindless eyes.’ - His breath quickened, and whatever left of dinner from earlier was now churning in his stomach. Of course Stark didn’t notice, too drunk and too caught up in his own pleasure to realise the man beneath him was on the verge of hyperventilation. In one quick movement, his guest’s pants had been removed, his own quickly followed as another piece in the pile of garments on the floor. The kissing never stopped, now with both were naked, it only became more intense, leaving red marks on the taller man’s neck and thin chest. 

‘This is Stark. I’m on Midgard.’ - Loki’s mind repeated the words like a mantra, trying his best to focus on the heat in his loin rather than the dark voices in his head. One second later and he was on his stomach, face buried in the soft pillow. 

‘Hot… It hurts.’ - One finger was inside him, then two. He gritted his teeth and exhaled sharply. The friction was almost unbearable, it felt as though he was being sawn into two. Then Stark shifted into a kneeling position, sliding in and out to stretch him properly for the main event. Each movement sent fireworks to the God’s eyes as his body revolted against the intrusion, unexpectedly ignited the rawest form of both pain and pleasure.

‘He will not hurt me, won’t he?’ - Stark went inside him in one thrust. For a while, he could not breath, for even inhaling air caused extreme agony. The thin frame was shaking, and fingers curled up into a fist. The shorter man began with a steady rhythm, then gradually picked up the pace as he adjusted his grip. The sound of flesh upon flesh, the burning heat inside his rear, he wanted to scream but even his voice evaded him. 

‘........’ - Everything exited him, every thought, every word, leaving him hollow like a dead tree trunk, devoid of all senses, barren of any pain. Even fear was irrelevant in a few short moments. Purple bruises started to cover his waist and a few drops of blood had stained the sheet. But he paid them no mind. The only thing that he noticed was Stark, and the feeling of his manhood inside him. 

Tony groaned loudly as euphoria took over, knowing that release was only minutes away. He pushed faster and faster, yearning for each grain of friction that he could get, until all the tension in his lower abdomen exploded, erupted like volcanoes whenever Mother Nature decided to be cruel. A shiver racked his body as the white-hot climax hit him and his seeds were spent. 

Loki didn’t know when it stopped, he just felt the absence of Stark’s weight on him and something sticky running down his thighs. Exhausted, he moved to one side and plopped down on the edge, like a sack of potatoes thrown to the dirty kitchen floor. ‘Like a piece of meat.’ The bed sank to one side as the shorter man laid down and unconsciously reached out for him. Even when the God of Lies was safe under the covers of his bed and his shaking frame embraced by the warmest body, even when his heartbeats had joined the pace of that of his lover, he felt cold, used and empty. 

‘He will not hurt me, won’t he?’ - Of course, this was Stark. Stark cared for him, and stayed with him when most would have left the second he was in sight. 

‘He will not hurt me,...’ - He was tender, he made soup, he changed his bandages, he told jokes, he gave him books, he granted him access to the lab, he …. He did many things that he shouldn’t have done for the like of him. 

‘He will not…’ - Then why did it feel as if the Chitauri were the ones who were lying next to him this instance, as if it had been them who entered him and not Stark, as if he had never left at all.

‘He will…’ - Loki felt something tightened in his throat. Shame perhaps, but he knew there was something more that he couldn’t quite put a name to, something that tasted so much like insecurities and fears, all wrapped up in thorns, claws and teeth.

Cool satin covers felt like heaven to his clammy skin, almost succeeded several times in luring him to sleep. But no matter how heavy were his eyelids, closing them was not an option, and most probably wouldn’t be for quite awhile. What had just happened was too vivid, so real that in complete darkness he could still hear a moan deep with desire coming from the man behind. And Loki was afraid, that with a twisted mind such as his, this would be put on replay in his dreams on end, and distorted, altered so greatly that he feared one day he could no longer tell apart what was a product of his brain and what was not.

————————

As the first ray of sunlight shone through, Loki got out of bed and gathered his clothes. Then he headed for the bathroom, every inch of his body rigid with pain. 

He didn’t bother with the light, only turned on the shower and let the water washed over him. In the dark, things seemed better, because they could be whatever he wanted them to be. In this instance, if he closed his eyes hard enough, this bathroom would fade away and gave way to the majestic Nainfreyi Waterfall of Vanaheimr, where Thor and he would be 500 years younger, swimming and laughing like equals about the glories they had shared and the adventures they had taken. 

“But we can’t be children forever, can we brother.” - Loki rested his forehead on the cold ceramic wall, his rear hurt, and he felt even dirtier than he was hours ago, than he ever was under Thanos’s hands. Mayhaps they were right about him being the fallen Prince. How low had he sunken to crave for the very thing that had tormented and disgraced him? Back then, even though he had lost everything, he had his anger. Even though they had striped him bare, they could never prevent rage from boiling in his soul. ‘Whore’. Now, he had nothing left. ‘Whore’. Now, when he imagined those lips, even fear paled in comparison.

Suddenly, his noses were blocked by the running water, and he took a step back in panic, trying to escape. But the tiles were slippery and all his energy had been drained, Loki lost balance and sat down ungracefully on the floor. Water was all around him and his knees had probably formed new bruises. ‘Pathetic mortal body’. Yet he made no attempt to move and get out of there. It almost felt nice, the young God thought, he almost felt clean again. If he stayed a bit longer, would the water carry everything away? Loki couldn’t help but wonder, and his lips slowly curled up into a sour smile as the answer was clearly no.

But he did stay though, for as long as he could, until FRIDAY spoke through the speaker and asked him to join her creator on the common floor. For “Mr Thor Odinson has just arrived on the balcony and has requested to meet you.”


	12. Only fools fall for you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor and Bruce is back everyone!   
> Just a reminder that this work is set before/during Thor’s Ragnarok and definitely way before Infinity War.
> 
> I’m still trying to build a plot that fits the main events which occur in the two movies so this might take a while. But we’ll get there, I promise!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone so much for your support. It means the world to me!

“Welcome home, my friend.” - Thor said boomingly as he stepped out of the Bifrost landing marks and into the tower, not caring that Tony’s helipad had just been branded in Norse runes. A shorter man trailed after him, eyes lit up with so many emotions upon seeing New York city and her skyscrapers again. Home.

“It feels like I was gone for a lifetime, not just 2 years.” 

“A lot of things have changed, indeed.” - Thor answered knowingly. His hair was shorter now, but his wisdom had certainly grown. The bellicose young Prince was present no longer, loss had molded him into a man, calm and thoughtful, fit to be a king.

“Greetings, Mr Thor Odinson and Mr Bruce Banner. It is a pleasure to have you back. I will notify Mr Stark right away.” 

“It’s good to hear your voice again too, uhm… Meggie? No, Karen?” - Bruce tried to remember the AI’s name, his memories had gotten rusty after two years turning into the Hulk. 

“It’s FRIDAY, sir.” - The scientist swore he could almost hear laughter in her reply. 

“Noted, thanks FRIDAY. And Thor, should we call for your brother as well? He is important in the plan.” - Bruce sat down on the couch, mortals and Bifrost were not too great a combination to be honest, his head was a bit dizzy. 

After he had turned back, Thor had opened up about his situation to him. How his father had sent his brother back to Thanos - the true mastermind behind New York and Loki’s torturer - after their mother passed away. How the God of Thunder had to search for thousands of galaxies to rescue him, only to find a wasting shell of a former glorious Prince. Then they went to Tony for help, which meant Loki stayed on Earth, while Thor returned to Asgard to deal with his father. Unfortunately, stuffs happened, and by some miraculous twists of fate, he met the Hulk on Sakaar. (Bruce couldn’t remember how the heck he had ended up in the first place). 

He was not sure whether he (and the Hulk) was okay with Loki being here on Earth, more specifically New York, which just a few years ago had been wrecked by an army of murderous aliens led by none other than the God of Lies himself. But as the story progressed, Bruce understood why Tony, the all-rational Tony Stark, had allowed the guy to stay and even offered help. Well, first of all, Loki had been controlled in the same way of his victims, probably to a much greater extent. Then considering the fact he had a horrible father and having been living with the impression that he had killed his mother, no one could really blame him for losing his sanity. Not to mention the torture and every misfortune (this was a huge tone-down already) he had suffered in between. Did all of this justify whatever he had done? Definitely not. Did he deserve any of the punishment? No, not necessarily.

“Sure, friend. Lady FRIDAY, would you please ask my brother to come and meet us here, only if his health has recovered, of course.” 

The God of Thunder had sat down on the armchair opposite to him, but he didn’t seem to be at ease. His body was leaning forward, ready to get up at any second should the answer he was about to receive confirm otherwise. But before FRIDAY could reply, Tony stepped out of the elevator.

“You son of a bitch. Do you have any idea how long have you been away, Bruce? Oh, hello Thor. Fucking hell, I almost thought that you are dead. Well, almost. You have the Hulk. We know you can’t die yet.” - Tony said quickly, masking every emotion with sarcasm as he had so often done. 

“Hello Tony.” - Who would have thought 2 years had passed by since the last time he saw his friend. Since Ultron. Tony looked well enough, quite like he had just woken up from a hangover after drinking with Rhodes. ‘Quite’, and ‘quite’ was never what things seemed to be with Tony Stark. He knew that something was up, but not sure what yet. 

“Where is… everybody? Summoned by Fury for missions? Are they all well?” - He had to suppress from asking for Natasha first. ‘Two years has passed.’ Bruce tried to remind himself. She might have given up on him already… 

Tony went to the armchair next to Thor and sat down. A sigh escaped his lips. This was never the start of something pleasant.

“See, Bruce. A lot of things happened when you were away. You know, like a Civil War, or so the Internet calls it. Uhm, Steve and I don’t hang out anymore, man. Half of the team went with him, along with a few new guys.”

“What? The Avengers broke up? Like the Beatles? How is that possible?” - He truly hoped this was just one of their sick welcome back games that they liked to play.

“Kinda like broke up, yes.” - Tony shrugged, feigning indifference as best as he could. 

“You said half of the team went with Steve. Where are the rest?”

Tony breathed out heavily.

“Gone… Not like dead gone. But gone away.”

“Then do you know where they are? We need to find them. Thor’s home is in danger, Tony. His sister came back and took the throne. She wants the Nine Realms to bend the knee to her and regain Asgard’s former glory. In short, Earth is in danger, too. We need the team back and go to Asgard as soon as possible.”

“Sorry, pal. Can’t do.” - Tony slouched against the couch and closed his eyes.

“You do not understand the level of threat we are facing, Man of Iron.” - Thor spoke up for the first time since Tony appeared. - “Hela is more powerful than anyone on Asgard, me included. The only reason she was kept in order all those years was because of my father. But… he is dead now. As queen, she could command the army and wage war on the Nine. And I assure you, when that happens, Midgard wouldn’t stand a chance. You saw what my brother could do, son of Stark. This woman is a thousand times stronger.”

“What part of ‘broke up’ do you two not understand? We stopped talking a long time ago, okay. And even if we still do, I won’t join with you guys. I retired…” 

“This is much greater than who not talking with whom, Tony. And retired? You, of all people, retired? There’s something more to it that you haven’t told me.” - Bruce knew something was wrong, he just didn’t know it was this bad.

“I just want to quit. I’m old. There are new heroes now. Go to them. Sorry, boys. Can’t help ya.” - Tony walked to the bar. Where was that bottle of whiskey?

“Man of Iron, you’re being very unreasonable.” - Thor was more or less shouting from anger. 

“Tony, please tell us what happened. We need to know so we can help.” - Bruce tried to pacify.

Tony almost smirked. ‘Tell us what happened. We need to know so we can help.’ Many had said those words, but of course he never told any of them. For he knew none could help, none could give him back what he really wanted.

“Tony, this is really not how you handle crisis. What happened?” - All three of them were standing now. Bruce could feel anger building in his head, and further to the right, Thor looked like he was about to charge at the his teammate. 

“Scotch anyone? Sorry, I thought there was some whiskey left but they ran out.” 

“Stark…” - Thor grunted warningly, his left foot was already one step ahead of his right.

“Thor, calm down.” - Bruce noticed his friend’s small movement. - “Tony, you really don’t have to pull any of this shit. Just tell us what happened.”

“No? Too bad then.” - Tony gulfed down the golden liquid and poured another. - “Second chance if you change your mind.”

That was the boundary and Tony had just freaking crossed it. Thor tightened his fist and in two seconds, the billionaire was being held by his throat against the wall. Bruce quickly grabbed the God’s shoulders and tried to push him away but to no avail. Without the Hulk, he was merely a human. 

“Is everything just a joke to you?” - The God of Thunder shouted.

“Calm down, Thor. Let him g…” - The scientist tried to reason. But it would take more than one man to put out the flaming rage in Thor’s mind. 

“ASGARD IS IN DANGER. I thought we were comrades, man of Iron. My home is in pe…” 

“His fiancée died.” - Three men instantly snapped their heads to the source of that voice. Loki was leaning on the armchair which Thor had previously occupied. The tone sounded so casually, as if he was saying hello and not breaking the news of one’s demise.

Tony was dropped on the floor the second Thor landed his eyes on his brother. The former hero clutched his throat as air began flowing to his lungs again. The other two men looked at Loki in surprise, speechless by the piece of information they had just received. It took the scientist one full minute to mutter something in reply.

“Fi… fiancée?”

“Yes. Or you may have known her by the name Lady Virginia Potts.” - Loki answered like a robot, expression as blank as a white sheet.

“Pepper… died? Wh… What happened?”

“It was almost a year ago, doctor. An accident. Or so the press concluded.”

Tony was sitting with his back on the wall now. Eyes downcast and jaws gritted. ‘Shut up’ - He thought. - ‘Shut up’.

“It was a business trip in Istanbul. The hotel room in which she resided suddenly exploded.” - Loki continued, not knowing the man on the floor had trembled slightly.

“Shut up” - Tony said quietly, his voice wavered with emotions. 

“Ironman flew there immediately but he was too late. Lady Potts was already gone. He couldn’t save her”

“Shut up…” - No, he could. He could… 

“The police couldn’t find any fragment of the explosive devices. So they found no evidence of who or what had caused the tragedy.”

“Shut up, Loki.” - The billionaire spoke up this time, but of course none complied. They were caught up in the story.

“But there was one theory. That Lady Potts had exploded from within herself, by the substance a man had injected inside her body. It’s called the Ex…” 

“I said SHUT THE FUCK UP.” - Anger was vivid in Tony’s eyes. He had risen from the floor, ready to slam his guest’s mouth shut. - “YOU DON’T DESERVE TO TALK ABOUT HER LIKE THAT. YOU WEREN’T THERE.”

“I believe that it is best to just tell them, Stark. Or do you prefer to be choked to death?” - Unfazed, Loki continued. - “It’s called the Extremis.” 

And that was the second red line someone had stepped over in a single day. Tony barged at the former God, but Bruce was quicker this time.

“Calm down, Tony. Breathe. Please breathe.”

“Is it true brother?” - The dumbfounded God of Thunder asked, putting one hand on his friend’s shoulder to keep him in place.

“You can tell well enough by your teammate’s reaction, brother.” - Loki sneered at the last word. No future king of Asgard would become a brother to a Frost Giant, much less a mortal and a monster. But apparently, someone’s skull was too thick to let even a simple concept as such slip through. 

“Get off me!” - The engineer shoved past his friends and slumped ungracefully onto the couch, head firmly held in both hands, trying all his might to force down a surging panic attack. 

“Are you happy now?” - The words dripped like poison out his quivering lips. His eyes looked more glassy after each breath. - “Are ya?”

“I… I’m sorry, Tony. We… we didn’t know. Why didn’t you te…”

“Of course you didn’t know. That’s the whole point of not telling.” - He really wanted to shout, but found no energy left. How the hell did waking-up-on-a-seemingly-normal-Tuesday turned into this? - “Now that the cat’s out. Would you all please leave me the fuck alone and bring your little issue to someone who actually cares?”

It was so silent that anyone could hear a pin drop. Tension hung heavily in the air, taunting people’s nerves almost to their snapping point. Bruce felt the other guy stirring and squirming restlessly, waiting impatiently for one moment of him losing control in order to resurface. He looked over at Thor - his face an unreadable expression, lips pressed thin while he nervously curled and uncurled his fists, as if the Norse God was trying to break the unsettling atmosphere but couldn’t quite find the courage or the right words. He could hear the bustling noise of traffic and people down the road, New York was booming with life at this hour of the day, oblivious to the threat of annihilation lurking at them on the horizon. 

…

... 

“For a person known for his remarkable comeback story, your performance recently is astoundingly disappointing.”

“I beg your pardon?” - Tony narrowed his eyes, the adrenaline level was, again, rising. Why couldn’t that fucking man keep his mouth shut?

“It was just one death, among thousands that have paved your path. Did you mourn the loss of those whose lives were cut short by your creations? Did you recall the names of those whom you and your band of so-called justice executors have striped them of their loved ones?” 

“This is going too far, Loki.” - The billionaire clenched his jaws, hard.

“Of course you didn’t. Lives aren’t lives when you don’t know them. People are merely names and information unless you interact with them first. Is that what you think, Man of Iron?” - Loki sneered bitterly, letting his composure slip at the sudden indignation. 

“Last. Warning.” - The former hero stressed the two words harshly and growled under his breath.

“Loki, stop. Whatever you’re implying is wrong.” - Bruce sensed death in his friend’s eyes and knew for sure that if either of them continued, one might end up dead in another 15 minutes.

“But Lady Virginia Potts was different, wasn’t she? I bet she was. Your love and life. Yours to treasure and protect. Her death was painful, but no more painful than any others that have stained your hands, no more woeful than the existences you have deemed fit to take. By the Nine, had you grieved this much over the people I had murdered 6 years ago, I would have already enslaved this feeble race and your woman would have rotted in the ground 4 years earl…”

Tony flung his fist at the raven haired man right across the bony jaw, sending the guy staggering back a few steps. Then another blow rained down on the other side and Loki found his spine collide with the hard floor. Ironman managed to deliver another kick to his guest’s torso before Thor’s iron grip held him back and forced him to remain still. His head was a big fuss of mingled voices - some were telling him to breathe, to let it go and walk away, yet there were some that would urge him on, ‘revenge’, they would say, ‘what did that fucktard know about her’, ‘teach him some respect!’. He wanted to shout with them, joining the choir of anguished cries and hatred. But they became more and more deafening after every second, bashing on his eardrums like a catapult against wooden barricades. Each was a tsunami, swept forcefully over all senses of reality, peeled away bit by bit of the sanity he’d got left. 

“You knew NOTHING. NOTHING. You don’t get to talk about her like that. YOU DON’T DESERVE TO.” - Tony saw nothing but red. In front of him, Bruce was trying to check on Loki, while Thor was (as usual) shouting about something he couldn’t quite make out. 

The former God sat awkwardly on the floor with a good part of his face covered by locks of tangled hair, leaving the protruding nose the only visible feature on his perfectly symmetrical countenance. He had to lean on the scientist for support, partly thankful for the bird nest on his head that none could see his bitter smirk and the obvious grimace. ‘Pathetic mortal body’ - Loki lost count of how many times he had to repeat that pitiful complaint. But this time it was not contempt and sarcasm that followed the thought, only acceptance reigned, leaving an aftertaste as acrid and sour as that of healing potions in the back of his throat. 

‘You don’t deserve to.’ - The God of Lies almost broke into a hysterical laughter at his host’s words, yet no sound could escape. How amusing, he thought. This was hardly the only thing he didn’t deserve. Truth be told, if Fate was just, she should have already deprived him of this very breath.

Loki raised his head and his eyes were locked with Stark’s. Flashbacks from yesterday threatened to break loose as his mind unhelpfully reminded him of their shared moment. But he stomped them down, stopping himself from analyzing the emotions that had carved themselves into angry red lines in the pair of brown irises . 

“I know.” 

There was silence again, and Loki felt relieved. He never liked the noise, especially when it was directed at him.

“I assure you I’m perfectly aware of my value in the eyes of others.” - The former God quickly darted a glance at everyone. - “What I spoke of was merely the truth…” 

“Loki…” - It was Thor’s turn to growl at his brother. 

“Or perhaps you would like to hear more empty condolences and futile blessings? That could be arranged with ease.” 

No reply was made, Stark only cursed silently under his breath and in a matter of seconds disappeared behind the walls of his room. Neither of the other two Avengers commented any further. Thor managed to reach an armchair and took a seat, while the green behemoth stood glued to the ground, gently massaging his temples with one hand to relax and process whatever had just occurred.

Suddenly feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, Loki excused himself and hurriedly returned to the guest room. Just as his presence was cloaked by the shadow of the hallway, the former God heard a sigh and the unintelligible sounds of conversation, yet he paid them no attention. The small clicking noise of the wooden door being shut both soothed and terrified him. Loneliness was nice, until the past came back… 

Flopped into the bed, his mind automatically reflected on everything he had said this morning, only to find no logical explanation behind any of them. He was never one to act on impulse, or so he deduced from the fractured pieces of memories he could recall from his past life as a Prince. What could he possibly gain from poking at Stark’s still bleeding wound? Why would he be willing to risk being tossed out or facing Ironman’s anger? 

‘Jealousy?’ - One voice suggested. It took Loki 20 minutes of contemplation to finally (and reluctantly) dismiss it. 

The Norse God inhaled slowly, filling his lungs with oxygen to fend off the throbbing headache which was about to worsen. A familiar scent caught at his nostrils - pungent and masculine, with a hint of expensive body products and alcohol - Stark’s. Last night came rushing back to him like a flood. In split second, something in him raised the alarm and Loki felt like running as far away from anything connected to that man as possible. However, his hand still unconsciously reached for the satin duvet and brought it close, soaking himself in the pleasant aroma. Fresh bruises on his hips would occasionally make their presence known with sharp stings, and the chafed thighs sometimes sent uncomfortable soreness down his legs. They served well enough as evidence of Stark’s action, yet Loki refused to abide by any of the cautions his mind was giving out. He held the duvet near, rejoicing in the serenity of the moment, and after a few minutes, his headache subsided almost to nonexistent. As the young God drifted off to sleep, yesterday’s incident once again returned, but in this one he was no longer frightened and possessed by forlorn recollection of the time he had desperately wished to forget. Once again, even though it was as fleeting and fanciful as the nature of dreams tended to be, Loki was bold, regal, and whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I’m trying to decide whether Hela should be a total villian like in the movie version or we could add a touch of sibling love to her.
> 
> What do you think? Please tell me your opinion.


End file.
